SAN ANTONIO, TX—Pastor Richard Bolton, 61, of the Community of Christ church was faced with a difficult decision on Saturday evening. As a man of God, he has spent most of his life in quiet awe of and gratitude for what he sees as miracles in his life and the lives of others. He admits that such dedication to his faith has caused him to cast off many more carnal desires and functions. "I have spent my entire life working to make sure that I am in charge of my physical drives, rather than they being in charge of me," he explained.
This pursuit of self mastery has led to several advantages in Pastor Bolton's eyes. He is in excellent physical health thanks in part to a diet low in alcohol and fatty foods, and he has never smoked. Additionally, he reports that his relationship with his wife is a dedicated and intimate one, and credits it to his focusing his complete physical and emotional attention to her.
Still, Bolton acknowledges that he remains a physical being, and certain functions are unavoidable. He was reminded of this fact on Saturday evening as he knelt in his bedroom to say his evening prayer. "I was probably just a full minute into it, to the part where I thank the Good Lord for the wonderful congregation He has given me," he reported. "And I could feel something stirring deep within me."
Unfortunately, this particular stirring was not of a spiritual nature, but of a physical one. Following an evening meal of white bean chili earlier in the evening, Bolton's digestive system had produced gas from the process of breaking down his meal, which gas then needed to be expelled from his body.
"I was faced with a real predicament," said the pastor since 1984. "I could feel the pressure inside building, but I thought that maybe I could just finish my prayer before it reached critical mass."
Attempting to remain focused on his heartfelt gratitude for the good in his life and the lives of those for whom he cares, Bolton reportedly suppressed the flatulence with some effort. However, as he began to plead with his Heavenly Father for favors for those in need, it became clear that time was a factor.
"I knew that I was going to have to do something," he related. "Now, I know that in His infinite grace and wisdom, it is not the kind of thing that would really cause me to lose favor with the Lord, but I still just couldn't bring myself to interrupt my conversing with Him with something as carnal as a toot, so I tried to keep going."
Bolton claimed that he was able to earnestly get through about another 20 seconds of his prayer before he was at the mercy of his body. "I decided I had to wrap it up before making a fool of myself. I just spat out a last line or two about mercy or something, and then I said 'amen.' Then I...erm...relaxed."
Following the release of the various gases from his intestinal tract, Bolton felt much relieved, but couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. He decided to try and complete his evening prayer for a few minutes, although he kept the second one notably shorter so as not to be caught in such a situation again.
As for future plans, Bolton stated that he is likely to take a closer internal physical inventory just before his nightly prayers, especially on days where he had foods that are commonly associated with flatulence.
He has offered to share his experiences with The Colon at a date in the future.