SEATTLE, WA—Despite several outward indications that something is amiss, the girlfriends of the United States issued a statement on Wednesday afternoon that everything is actually fine.
The statement came after what appeared to be increasing incidents that would otherwise suggest that something was, in fact, not alright with the female romantic partners of the U.S. These include several notable changes in behavior and even appearance in some cases. For example, multiple accounts have surfaced of girlfriends not returning text messages, or even sending phone calls straight to voicemail, which, their amorous counterparts related is an usual pattern given their previous experiences.
Additionally, a number of girlfriends in the nation have increased their physical activity. Some of this appears to be in the form of going for runs more often, and for longer distances than usual, while others have started more strenuous or aggressive activities, such as kickboxing. The organization responded to these observed changes with the statement, "Can't we get some exercise? Is it a crime to have a hobby? Besides, we wouldn't want to start putting on weight now, would we?"
Despite assurances that they look great, the nation's girlfriends insisted that their new and sudden interests were self-explanatory, and not indicative of anything below the surface.
Other concerned citizens have observed what they describe as a distinct lack of hand holding and cuddling when sitting together on the couch, as well as a general hesitation to engage in conversation about shared interests. Their response read, "We don't know what you mean. We don't think anything's changed. Maybe there's something up with you. Did you ever think about that?"
The girlfriends made it absolutely clear that these alleged changes have nothing to do with the fact that their best friend from high school just got engaged, and their younger sister just announced she is pregnant with a second child. They insist that such things do not upset them, and take offense that any person would suspect that they do.
With arms crossed and a look of subtle disdain in their eyes, the girlfriends of the nation concluded their press release with, "We don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just go to the movie. We're going to be late."
However, despite assurances that things were normal, witnesses could not help but notice that almost none of the girlfriends present had any of the popcorn or soft drinks that were purchased for the occasion. These witnesses insisted that they remain anonymous for fear of bringing it up.
The Colon has made no attempt at reaching the nation's girlfriends for further comment, and is just trying to act natural for now.