WATERTOWN, SD—Local resident Harold Stucker, 35, was found deep in thought early Friday morning of this week as he prepared mentally for his upcoming dental appointment. Although scheduled for 6 months, the looming confrontation with his dental care provider had caused Stucker quite the conundrum.
"Let's see," he thought to himself. "How much should I say I've flossed?"
The 6-year employee at a marketing company feels that he brushes "pretty regularly," but it was clear that he had trouble quantifying his statement. "I don't know, can I get away with saying I brush twice a day? Probably not. They'll see right through that," his inner thoughts conjectured.
Stucker's girlfriend, Mary Hawthorne, 32, has noticed that Stucker's toothbrush has been in need of replacing for approximately 10 months, but in spite of his good intentions to pick up a replacement while he is out purchasing sugary drinks at the grocery store, each morning he strokes the pathetic device across his teeth for a few seconds before dashing off to work.
"Maybe if I floss them really well right now, they won't bleed that much when the hygienist does it," the cat owner imagined.
For a moment, he worried that they might catch him off guard with questions about the brand of toothpaste he uses, what kind of mouthwash, or even the firmness of his toothbrush bristles. After a failed attempt to reach Mary at their cohabited apartment, he opted to use the internet to search for a toothpaste tube that "had some blue, and maybe red on it. I think that's the one. Probably."
Stucker incorrectly thought for a moment that he might not see his regular dentist, Dr. Murray, and might be able avoid questions about how the electric toothbrush he promised to buy, but never did, was working out.
"Maybe I'll just keep everything kind of vague. Yeah, just like 'Not bad.' As long as they don't follow up on that, I can be in and out in 30 minutes," assumed the grown man who does not own an inch of dental floss.
After spending a full 5 minutes rehearsing his tone of voice and eye contact when asked about how much coffee he consumes daily, Stucker left for the appointment, planning to truthfully-but-unspecifically respond that he "do[es] not floss as often as [he] should," and hope that everything would turn out alright.
As of press time, Stucker had three cavities filled, and his renewed commitment to improve his dental hygiene lasted a full 2 hours thereafter.