Source: James and Valerie Totally Kissed on the Lips

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—First-grade gossip circles are abuzz since Thursday following an earth shattering report from two eyewitnesses.

    Both sources were eager to share that classmates James Santini, 7, and Valerie Espinoza, 6 and a half, had purposefully kissed each other while behind the swings during recess that morning. 

    "This is the biggest thing that has ever happened anywhere," exclaimed Judy Castleton, 7, who witnessed the alleged event from the top of the red slide. "First, they were kind of smiling at each other like it was a movie, and then James leaned in a little, and then Valerie leaned in a little, and they touched lips!"

    "Eewwww!" commented the other first-graders present. 

    The alleged amorous event has noticeably changed the classroom dynamic, as reported by Zack Johnson, 7 in June. "Yeah, that's so weird. Girls are gross. I don't really want to be around [James or Valerie] anymore. They can go have babies together this summer, but I am going to play baseball."

    Tricia Fuller, 7 two weeks ago, added, "This is why I don't have boy friends. My mom says that once a boy kisses you, he starts looking for another girl to kiss until he moves to Ohio with his secretary. Like Daddy."

    The fallout from the supposed lip contact has been swift. "Tony [Walton, 7,] totally has goo goo eyes for Annie [Flint, 7]," shared Castleton, "but after how everybody's being to James, now Tony won't even play puzzles with her anymore."

    As for the suspects in the peck incident, there is a notable lack of consistency in their stories. James went on record saying, "I don't even know what dumb Judy is talking about. We were just talking about Pokemon, and then buttface Judy said that we kissed. She's a liar!" However, in a seemingly contradictory statement, Valerie went on record with, "James and I are going to get married real soon. Judy's just jealous because Eric [Vanguard, turning 8 over the summer,] said that her watercolor didn't look that much like a cheetah. I saw it, and it looked more like my cat."

    As of press time, Tricia Fuller had audibly burped during her presentation on grasshoppers, causing the class to erupt in laughter as she ran out of the classroom shouting that her life was over. 

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