SARIWON, NORTH KOREA—Only 65 kilometers south of the capital, one major population center of North Korea stands silent, mere hours after state militia conducted a hasty yet mandatory evacuation. The celerity of the maneuver was necessitated by the imminent danger sources in Pyongyang call “divine retribution from down under.” Thankfully, these sources reported, regular drills had prepared Sariwon’s population of over 300,000 for the nocturnal mass departure before an “incomparable threat” entered the city.
Yesterday evening, Malcolm Bligh Turnbull, current Prime Minister of Australia and Leader of the Liberal Party since 2015, personally invaded the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea on foot while accompanied by several other dignitaries. They and their bartender spoke with reporters from The Colon at a South Korean bar immediately prior to the surprise attack. When asked about his presence in the south portion of the Korean Peninsula—and offered another drink—Turnbull responded sporadically, “What’s all th’ chatter? Yeah, me and me mates ‘ave been ‘ere since the ‘lympics. [It] was heaps o’ fun, I tells ya. Three medals…we did ‘right…”
Apparently, part of the Australian delegation, including Turnbull, became lost in South Korea following the games. Additionally, their bartender later noted, they seemed enchanted—and inebriated—with the selection that the South Korean bar had to offer. Their demeanor changed abruptly while they were watching an international news broadcast at the local pub late in the afternoon yesterday.
“[The invasion] was kind of a surprise,” Daniel Kim, their 24-year-old bartender, has since reported. “This news program came on talking about [President] Trump’s discussions with North Korea to denuclearize. [Prime Minister] Turnbull’s group started hollering and called [Supreme Leader] Kim Jong-un a ‘porky little liar’ and some obscenities. They sort of just talked each other up to taking care of Kim themselves. I saw them stumble out of the bar while rolling up their shirt sleeves. I chocked it up to the alcohol and thought that they would just walk it off. I was dead wrong.”
In the ensuing hours, Turnbull and the five others in his delegation marched past the Military Demarcation or Armistice Line and beyond the Demilitarized Zone. No one on the south side attempted to stop the delegates due to their VIP clearance and the drunken confidence with which they staggered. Once they had crossed into North Korea, “all hell broke loose” as they began swinging fists at anything that moved; the highly armed, highly trained North Korean border defense was powerless to stop the Australian onslaught.
“We didn’t know what to make of these white demons,” one North Korean civilian reported when given assurances of anonymity. “I wasn’t even that close but I could hear the gun shots and horrific-yet-brief screams of my comrades. When I went to see what had happened, all I saw were bodies of my fellow North Koreans; they were bruised and gnarled, tied up like some sort of Australian dessert. It was most disconcerting.”
The Australian dignitaries continued the offensive throughout the night, rampaging cities along the highway from Kaesong in the south to Sariwon in the northwest, sparing neither military personnel nor citizen. Citizens were evacuated to cities to the east while military personnel were recalled to Pyongyang to aid in the fortification of the capital and to “bask in the glorious protection of Supreme Leader Kim Jon-un.” The Colon reports caught up with the Australian delegation minutes before publishing this article. The Australian leadership seemed to have sobered up and answered some questions.
“What a bloody mess!” exclaimed Turnbull, referring to his hangover rather than the diplomatic and military situations. “I know we ‘ad a lot to drink, but this is a heap o’pain.” When pressed for his plans going forward, Turnbull continued.
“Well, we Australians finish what we start; you can bet your [expletive] we do. Now that the fog’s dissipated, we’ll ‘ave a heap of things to discuss with me country, ‘specially for the long term. ‘Eck, you’ve seen what we’ve done with our bare fists; we didn’t even have to use our knives, which we always carry (we are Australians, after all). These North Koreans would never survive in the outback.” The last news from The Colon’s reporters in Sariwon is that Turnbull used a North Korean bar's phone to call his military strategists, prominent crocodile hunters, and wildlife experts for reinforcements, specifically requesting air-drop para-kangaroo commandos, also known as the marsupial marauders.