WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Food And Drug Administration (FDA) announced today that a widely used and very popular folk remedy has been approved for general use, but issued cautions to prevent possible harm.
The remedy, popularly known as "faith," seems to grow naturally wherever human beings are found, and is thought to be as old as the human race itself. Testing was undertaken after the agency received many complaints that widespread and indiscriminate use was having harmful effects on large segments of the population. Researchers encountered immediate difficulties because there are innumberable varieties and doses of faith.
Faith is widely available, usually marketed under various brand names by franchised outlets; it is a multi-million dollar industry in the United States alone. This fact is surprising, since it can be found naturally almost anywhere, or manufactured easily at home. Pushers of faith, often referred to as "preachers," or "witnesses," like pushers of other drugs, often entice non-users with free samples, continuing until the addiction catches. Although fides religiosa—to use its scientific name—is not, strictly speaking, a drug, it was subjected to the more rigorous testing used for drugs, since it tends to have drug-like effects.
The agency tried to test the drug's effectiveness in comparison with its many claimed benefits, although supposed post mortem benefits were not tested; the agency claimed that to do so would exceed its already large budget for the project.
Although researchers tried to use traditional double-blind tests utilizing placebos, no placebos could be found that did not turn out to be varieties of the drug itself. Test results showed that, for those claims that could be tested, faith does, in fact, provide effective remedies for many of the ills for which it is used, including depression, low self-esteem, anti-social feelings, criminality, alcoholism, substance abuse, despair, Weltschmerz, and various mild physical ailments. Regular users of faith (typically called "believers") claimed to be happier, healthier, more well-adjusted, and more self-confident than many non-users.
Approval of the drug was based on these positive findings. However, officials also found that even slight abuse of the drug may have harmful effects. Overdoses often caused the very ills which the drug is supposed to alleviate, especially depression, low self-esteem and inability to get along with others.
The drug was also found to be extremely habit-forming, with many users requiring weekly doses at specialized distributors; some required a fix several times a day. Many carry a small book with them, which ostensibly contains faith fixes to which they can turn for relief at any time to satisfy their cravings.
The strength of the substance was evident when users were threatened with removal thereof: invariably they exhibited panic, animosity, belligerence, and a willingness to sacrifice anything rather than give it up.
To avoid overdose, abuse, or deleterious effects of addiction, the FDA recommends supplementing one's faith intake with healthy doses of reason, facts, skepticism, and inquisitiveness. Dispensers of faith, therefore, will in future be required to label their products with cautions and warnings to that effect.
Despite its new status as an approved drug, it is as yet unclear whether faith will be covered by major insurance plans.