DAVIE, FL—The American Dermatological Association (ADA) released a breakout statement earlier this week regarding its decades-long research into the maintenance of young-looking skin. Millions of non-smoking adults across the country seek to delay the appearance of wrinkles and spots, particularly on their faces, as these are viewed as unwelcome signs of aging. ADA spokesperson Thomas Piffard, 38, is reported as stating,
"For years we've been suggesting that individuals have the power to keep their skin looking youthful through such practices as staying hydrated, eating foods rich in antioxidants, minimizing sun exposure, and properly moisturizing, but our dermatologists have recently discovered the true key: acne." Responding to the crowd's stunned silence, Piffard continued, "I know acne has hitherto been one of the targets we as an association seek to treat and eliminate, but the research has us changing directions."
The spokesperson explained that having acne, a skin condition most often associated with adolescents, is the best way to look young because "It's hard to see wrinkles when you're distracted by red, puss-filled pimples and nasty, clogged nose pores. Who would expect someone older than 25 to still be dealing with zits and blackheads?"
Dermatologists now advise individuals to reduce their face-washing frequency and increase the amount of greasy foods in their diets.
The skincare industry is scrambling to accommodate changing consumer demands resulting from this "dermatological revolution," taking such measures as removing all products containing acne-fighting ingredients from stores, adding oils to otherwise "oil-free" moisturizers, and digging up their old recipes for pore-clogging sunscreen lotion. Cosmetic surgery providers are already reporting declines in Botox injection requests and are expected to begin offering acne prostheses for individuals who are unable to achieve satisfactory pizza face on their own.
For those who prefer to skip the acne and go for an even younger look, area plastic surgeon Jim Donovan suggests a "bald scalp and chubby cheeks approach, perhaps accompanied by dental extraction and salivary gland stimulation."