IRVINE, CA—A team of sociologists at the University of California, Irvine are being praised for their development two years ago of a test for a hitherto-unknown indicator of human personality. Other tests of personality, such as the well-known MMPI or the Myers-Briggs tests, although widely used and considered relatively accurate, neglected to consider the influence of one human physiological characteristic now included in the Irvine test.
It was almost a fluke, a mere whim, that got this factor into the test, according to Dr. Roger Pickweed, who headed the research team. "We were all just sitting around in the coffee room, brainstorming, and Phil Cramwell (who is always joking around) blurted out, 'What about belly-buttons?'" When asked to explain, said Pickweed, Cramwell observed that there are two types of belly-button: "innies" and "outies." "Do you suppose that the difference would show up in personality types?"
The six or seven researchers having coffee ended up lifting their shirts or blouses to compare, and that first small examination did seem to bear out Cramwell's theory. Those with "innies" had quite different personalities from those with "outies." Tests were given first to volunteers among the students. The initial results were borne out by wider tests among residents in Irvine. Results showed that "innies" generally outnumber "outies" by about three to one. "Innies" tend to be thoughtful, sensible, and "laid back"; "outies" are generally more risk-taking, aggressive, and harder to get along with.
Extensive historical research showed that Gandhi was an "innie," and that Adolph Hitler was an "outie." No records were available on Stalin, Einstein, or Madame Curie. When asked, President Trump refused to divulge the status of his navel. "First they want to see my tax returns, now they want to see my belly! It's an outrage!" he tweeted. Stormy Daniels said that she didn't notice which kind Trump had.
Although news reports about the test results were scant, the new information spread quickly by word-of-mouth. Personal ads began to appear with phrases like "Male innie seeks female innie for quiet dinners and walks on the beach." There are now three plastic surgeons in the Los Angeles area who advertise "navel corrective surgery" for those who dislike their present navel condition.
Surprisingly, the surgical change seems to bring about the corresponding change in personality. Anecdotal evidence shows that in some localities the old pick-up line "What's your sign?" has been replaced by "Innie or outie?" One recent personal ad on the Berkeley (CA) Craigslist said, "Young male innie seeks young female outie; object: major navel engagement." The ad was forwarded to the Masters and Johnson Institute for study, since it appears to open up a hitherto unknown possibility for physical intimacy.