SAN ANTONIO, TX—Employees at a local media firm slapped their foreheads in unison on Tuesday after the newest employee fell into the endless abyss that is conversing with Greg, their coworker.
Jenna Harker, 26, was hired two weeks ago to help edit content before broadcast. "I was so excited to get the job," she shared. "It's my first one out of college."
Harker explained that she had met several of the company's other 38 employees, and gotten to know the rest of her team quite well. "Everyone has been really great," she commented.
When she was working on one of her tasks on Tuesday morning at approximately 11:14, a coworker entered the office space and inquired about a network issue that someone had reported. Zach Walsh, a witness to the event, explained what happened.
"It was Greg [Thornwald]. Greg is just...he's different. He's a nice guy, but, you know. So, Greg asks about the network thing, and then before any of us knows what's going on, Jenna smiles and introduces herself. We all just braced ourselves like she had pulled the pin out of a grenade, because—well, Greg."
Coworkers who saw the event explain that the next few moments appeared relatively benign, just like two coworkers meeting for the first time. "Yeah, it was okay for a second," said Mayumi Yamamoto, 29. "But we knew what she was in for."
After exchanging pleasantries about the stresses of working at a new job, and assurances that it gets easier after some time, the conversation seemed to come to a natural stop. However, Greg, ignoring the social nuances of social convention, opened up another avenue of talk. He is alleged to have said, "So, do you like weather?"
"We all knew she was done for at that point. There's no getting rid of Greg once he's made his awkward transition," warned Walsh, 33.
Harker seemed to handle it well, according to sources, by treating it as a sort of joke or misunderstanding, before Greg went on to explain that he "really think[s] weather is great." He went on to give Harker a brief primer on meteorology.
"The look on her face was just simultaneously confused and terrified," noted Yamamoto.
Again, as he seemed to finally finish his little rant on how air pressure affects cloud formation, or whatever, he then awkwardly transitioned into explaining that Harker's keyboard has shortcut keys. "Yeah," said Yamamoto. "He didn't even ask if she already knew them, he just started pointing them out like she was 10 or something."
"It was agonizing," added Walsh.
Greg Thornwald is a 35-year-old information technologies graduate of Boise State University (class of 2004). He has worked for this media firm since 2011. According to his social media profiles, his interests include flower arrangements, moon cycles, books about Southern Australia, and "furniture."
"Nobody really seems to have Greg figured out," said Walsh. "He comes to work on time, and he knows his way around the computer systems, but...well, he doesn't really know the first thing about people."
Regarding the encounter, Ms. Harker explained, "It was like I was in some sort of social experiment. I felt trapped and lost and, eventually, hopeless. He just kept on talking about these unrelated things. I stopped trying to respond after about 10 minutes, and just went to nodding my head, but he didn't get the hint."
At 12:00, the rest of Harker's team departed for lunch, but all were too afraid to interject themselves into the barrage of Greg. "They just left me there. With him!" exclaimed Harker.
After another 30 minutes of pointers on eyebrow plucking, getting oil stains out of nylon fiber, and training a hamster to roll over, Harker was finally saved when Greg was paged to another area of the building.
Harker said, "In my mind, I thought I must be dreaming that page. Could it really have called him away?"
Greg reportedly said, "Oh, gotta go. I'll find you later and show you how to get those stains off your teeth with a lemon."
He departed, and Harker shared that she quickly dashed for the exit of the building, got into her car and peeled out of the parking lot. "As soon as I was off the property, I just started sobbing. I thought I was never going to get out of there!"
Although she seriously considered quitting, her coworkers called her when they found her not back in the building by 2:15. They promised to explain to her their complicated system of warning each other of Greg sightings, as well as tried-and-true methods of Greg diversion, such as mentioning seeing doughnuts in the kitchenette, or bringing up Calvin Coolidge (although none of them understands why that sends Greg running).
Harker commented, "I decided to give it another shot, but now I make sure I'm never alone in that building. Someone should put a bell around his neck."
When reached for comment, Greg said, "Oh yeah, Jenna seems real nice. Kind of quiet, though. I had to do all the talking."