ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Residents of the largest city in New Mexico have been both awestruck and dumbfounded by a local homeless man's appearance.
Although it is normal for locals to undergo a variety of emotions when coming into contact with those who wander the streets with no fixed residence, what separates this particular individual from the rest is apparently the presentable state of his beard.
Area man DeShawn Garfield, 31, shared his experience upon noticing the homeless man. "Yeah, I walk downtown a lot, so it's not unusual for me to see some of these [homeless] people around. Anyway, I came around a corner, and there was this guy, leaning up against the wall, with his cardboard sign and a little cup out for change. I could smell him from about 6 feet away, and his clothes were all ripped and tattered, but what really caught my eye was his beard."
Garfield referred to a drifter who answered only "I have to get to macadamia!" when asked his name. The man, who appears to be in his 30s, held a sign that read, "Change is change," and wore a heavy coat in the 60 degree weather during the attempted interview. The Colon's reporter explained to him that macadamia is not a place, to which he passionately responded, "Is the wind coming?" before immediately shushing the reporter.
The man's beard is surprisingly well groomed. Whereas many of the hobo's peers have nicotine stains and chunks of food in their facial hair, this particular gentleman's beard was clean and striking.
"It looked like it had been carefully brushed, and thoroughly washed just recently," commented passerby Julianna Cortez. Indeed, there was a clear sheen to his strands of silky, wavy whiskers, which measured approximately 2 inches in length.
Jason Giamatti, 44, who lives in an apartment nearby, said, "It's bizarre. I usually try to avoid looking these poor guys in the face when I walk by, but there's just something about this one. I mean, he is killing it with that beard!"
Several other pedestrians also took note of his beard, while a few even marveled at the look of his hair, which appears to have been shampooed and conditioned in the recent past, despite its otherwise uneven and devil-may-care styling.
When asked to comment on the apparent inconsistency in his hygiene, the man mumbled several incomplete thoughts about "vapors of Mars," and something about "the Timeline," which somehow clearly was capitalized though he did not write it out. He allowed the reporter to take one photograph before fleeing at the sight of a US Postal Service car in the area.
The man is likely to remain a local legend among the residents and pedestrians of downtown Albuquerque, as he left more questions than answers.
"I don't know how else to explain it," shared Gustavo Fletcher, 29, who himself has 2-day stubble. "He inspired me in a way I've never experienced. I mean, if he can have that kind of beard, maybe I can pull it off, too."