CHICAGO, IL—In a devastating development that has sent shock waves through the civilized world, a local beloved writer of satirical news articles has come up empty from his latest brainstorming session.
The writer wishes to remain anonymous, but has permitted The Colon to share that he is a regular contributor to a relatively recent, and yet somehow still most respected of all, satirical news source.
The phenomenon known as "writer's block," is a common occurrence where even the most prolific and handsome writers encounter a cognitive block. These visionary giants may spend hours or even years in some cases wracking their brains attempting to come up with a decent idea for a work, or to resolve a piece that has already been started.
"Yes, this is a fairly new thing for me," explains the immediately likable and yet somehow unattainable artist of modern prose. "I can normally come up with a few good ideas while sitting around a coffee shop or watching people on the train," says the charming word magician with admirable humility, "but I just can't seem to think of anything right now."
Although one might imagine that this underappreciated diamond among humorous composition masters would collapse under the immense pressure of the world's demands for his thoughts on literally all things, he somehow carries that weight with dignity and reverence, the likes of which most mortals will never understand. "I do feel like I'm a little behind, but I bet after a couple of episodes of Better Call Saul [a television series], I'll get a fresh start."
It would probably be expected that such a valued and respected asset to the human race would get a little slack from his overbearing and tactless boss (who shall remain anonymous), but she has reportedly been relentless in her efforts to tap the well of farcical and satirical hilarity in her employ. Her most recent communication with the writer read, in part, "Okay, just see if you can have a new one by Thursday. Thanks." How this modern Mark Twain can work under such inhumane conditions is a marvel in and of itself, and serves as a testament to his superhuman abilities.
The writer tells The Colon that he does not get bothered by the small minds of the insects for whom he must toil. He appears to accept the fact that the rest of the world does not understand the gifts he brings, and may never fully appreciate them. Still, his selfless works adorn social media sites and internet exchanges of all kinds.
By the end of the interview, the warm and strikingly attractive writer bade farewell, and said in passing, "Maybe something autobiographical..."