BELLEVUE, WA—A local demon was embarrassed on Friday after realizing that it had mistakenly possessed an adorable figurine that is usually reserved for embellishing gardens.
Balmath, who is an eternal being, explained that it had recently been cast out of a Peruvian woman whom it possessed for 23 days before she succeeded in using the power of Christ to expel it. "That was a pretty good run," Balmath added.
The entity, who desires nothing less than to wreak havoc and cause chaos upon the weak-willed, told The Colon how it had made the strange choice to enter into the hand-crafted ornament that retails for $5.45. "I was wandering the earth, looking for a new target through which to bring terror and suffering upon humankind. I wanted to shake things up a bit: it gets a little old to just keep possessing people. I've been around since the beginning, and it just gets weird sometimes. Especially when they can tell something's not right, and so they spend a lot of time in the bathroom. So gross."
As the force of pure evil sought a way to continue its purpose, it came upon the garden of local resident Muriel Hodgkins, 76, who is the owner of the inanimate figurine in question.
"I don't know what I was thinking," explained Balmath. "I guess in the dark the thing looked scarier to me. In my mind I figured that the small size would let me get into some pretty neat mischief."
The demon explains that it entered into the statuette of the ostensibly cheery and productive mythical creature and then lay in wait for some time. "The first thing that struck me was that the gnome had no moving parts. That certainly complicated things. Sure, it's easy to scare the [expletive] out of people when you possess a doll that can walk, lift knives, and open doors and stuff. I just thought that maybe I could work around that."
The hellion waited for several days in the figurine, awaiting a moment where it could make its nefarious presence known. "By about day 3 I still wasn't sure exactly what my plan was. I imagined the owner of the garden coming out to weed or something, and maybe I would let out an ungodly growl. That about sums up my options."
Mrs. Hodgkins, widow since 2011, did eventually come out to inspect her garden. "I knew I might not get another chance for days," said Balmath. "I let out a deep, gurgling roar. Not too much. The trick for the first one is that you get them to wonder if they heard anything at all, and then slowly build from there until they question their sanity."
To its disappointment, the demon's first attempt at horrifying the elderly woman was wasted. "She slowed down in her walk just a little, and then adjusted her hearing aid like it was just a bit of static. I feel like such a moron."
The evil force, which by its own estimate has been responsible for 28 murders, 126 physical assaults, and 453 spilled beverages, opted to give up the fruitless endeavor after another 2 days of waiting. "I'm generally a patient entity: I kind of have to be in my line of work. But after a whole lotta nothing, I decided to cut my losses."
Balmath left the figurine just as it had found it, and went in search of another weak-willed being to torment. Still, it is choosing to look back on the experience with good humor. "I try to keep my head up and see the glass as half full, you know? It was not a total waste. I learned not to possess dorky statuettes any more."
As for future plans, Balmath, whose name must never be spoken aloud (lest it be invited), explained that it will likely "just terrorize a few cats out of nowhere for a while."
It added, "That never gets old."