DES MOINES, IA—Jeremy Loveless, Ph.D candidate at Drake University, delivered quite a blow to the manufacturing industry with the results of his dissertation research. In a ground-breaking survey of tools, specifically hand-held ones such as screwdrivers and hammers, he asked questions designed to measure the ambitions, goals, and regrets of these items commonly found in garages. In surmounting the obvious barrier of communication, his study utilized revolutionary techniques of analysis t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶s̶t̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ that his engineering mentors hailed as "truly astounding," "quite brilliant," and "really weird."
Loveless's research included surveys of existing and newly-produced hammer populations, which are used in a variety of functions ranging from striking nails to silencing courtrooms. Though all participants had varied experience, date of manufacture, and brand name, they all shared a few similar characteristics. Loveless elaborated, "They certainly are all built to strike something, but the main purpose in researching hammers was to see how satisfied they are in their current positions; do they feel that they are being under-used? How content are they bashing the things they normally do? Would they rather be striking other things?"
The answer would appear to be an unequivocal "yes." Of the various sledgehammers, gavels, mallets, meat tenderizers, and all other kinds of hammers represented in the study, a surprising 100% expressed concerns that they were not realizing their full potential or achieving their goals. Despite differences in size, shape, and the materials from which they are made, all participants wanted something more. When asked what kinds of things they would most prefer to strike, every single one of the hammers individually responded with the words "a human skull," "the victim," "some poor schmuck," or a similar variation.
One Craftsman 24-oz flex claw hammer wrote, "I don't think there is anything I would rather do than be the blunt-force instrument to end the life of a human being. I think I speak for all hammers when I say it's basically the endgoal. Everyone wants to get to that point someday, and that's why we go through the whole routine everyday." A DeWalt 22-oz framing hammer said "Mjollnir [Thor's (Norse god of thunder) mythical hammer] has been a role model of mine since childhood, man! He gets to bash in skulls all day everyday! That would be so awesome! And just check out the size of that head!" When questioned further about the appeal of smashing in the heads of things, several hammers indicated clear preferences for crushing human biomatter, especially in a single, fatal blow.
"None of the hammers in my initial study had actually been involved in the murder of a human being, so it was at this point in the research that I realized I excluded an important portion of the hammer population from my sample," Loveless notes. "I got permission from the police to interview all of the hammers they have in evidence lock-up, and I have never seen such elation as when they told their stories. Each of the murder weapons spoke of the moment of the crime in which they were involved with phrases like 'the pinnacle of existence,' 'joy beyond words' and 'unqualified bliss.' It's pretty messed up stuff, but I can't lie; they describe it so beautifully, part of me wishes I could be a murder weapon too."
This new information has certainly sent waves through the manufacturing community, and handymen nationwide are expected to never look at their tools the same way again. Loveless has been awarded several grants for further research on the common desire of screwdrivers to "stab things in the eyes."