PARIS, FRANCE—The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has released a sobering statement today as they announced a new cultural initiative to begin immediately. In a 5-minute press conference speech with 20 minutes of questions following, the international organization dedicated to increasing scientific and educational proficiency throughout the world, as well as pioneering cultural changes, laid out the impetus for the new plan.
The speech began with Director General Audrey Azoulay, 45, approaching the stand and striking an ominous tone. "Citizens of the world, it is with great urgency and seriousness that I address you this morning. We at the United Nations are deeply committed to ensuring that every person on this planet has the most propitious circumstances available to them. It is our work, our passion, to educate and enrich the lives of the billions of people on this earth. While we, in beautiful and prosperous nations such as France, have access to culture seemingly without end, millions of people in less fortunate areas of the world lack some of what we take for granted. Indeed, it is with great sorrow that I have recently learned that millions of people in the world, some here in Europe, are unfamiliar with Radiohead."
Gasps of disbelief scattered through the audience of press, and a few pained moans leaked through. It took a moment for the commotion to cease, as Azoulay continued.
"It is disturbing, yes. There are at present, in fact, hundreds of millions of people who go on with their lives, having no concept of the raw, untamed energy of Pablo Honey [Radiohead's first album, 1992], the melodious longing of OK Computer [third album, 1997], or their self-released masterpiece, In Rainbows [seventh album, 2007]."
The speaker had to pause for several moments as the audience composed itself. Azoulay continued, with a slight tremble in her voice.
"Citizens of the world, this cannot continue. Every moment that goes by is a moment where a teenager in Mumbai walks blissfully unaware of such works as "High and Dry" [hit single from The Bends, 1995]. Every hour that passes is an hour in which a driver in New Guinea hums something other than "Idioteque" [hit single from Kid A, 2000]."
The speaker allowed a pause for the meaning of these words to sink in. There were scattered whispers between audience members as the gravity of the situation settled upon those present. Azoulay then continued with a determined tone.
"It is for this reason that UNESCO, with the support of 12 other nations, is launching a new, worldwide initiative to reduce, and eventually end this unacceptable ignorance of Thom Yorke, Johnny Greenwood, and whatever the other guys' names are."
She went on to describe their three-pronged approach to increase the world's familiarity with the work of Radiohead.
First, they have distributed the group's three top-grossing albums, plus five of their b-sides that are "wicked sweet," to all known stations capable of broadcasting audio files. Although there are no explicit instructions accompanying the albums, UNESCO feels confident that whoever opens them and listens to even a portion of any of the tracks "will know what to do with them."
Second, any and all films, commercials, and other video media that include any of the band's works, such as the Twilight series, must now include in large, bold, red lettering across the screen, the words, "THIS SONG IS BY RADIOHEAD!"
Finally, UNESCO has released plans to tattoo song lyrics from the band's releases onto the arm or hand of "approximately every fifth child born in developed nations, and about every seventh child born in developing nations." The organization explains that, "We feel that these priceless quotes will offer a wealth of deep reflection throughout these children's lives, and will make great ice breakers at community social events. Additionally, these fortunate children will have what the rest of us were forced to wait for until we were older."
Although the reaction to these plans has been almost unanimously positive, there are a few skeptics. During the time allotted for questions, a reporter from Finland raised a concern that these initiatives were largely symbolic, but would not really do anything to help those world citizens most vulnerable to Radiohead ignorance. To that, the spokesperson admitted that these plans were only "scratching the surface" of the problem, but that they should have "lasting effects upon the world."
Another critic openly praised UNESCO's efforts, but questioned whether they might be better spent on raising awareness of other alternative rock groups, such as The Bravery, or At The Drive-In. To that, the spokesperson said only, "All in good time. All in good time."