REDMOND, WA—The software giant, Microsoft, rolled out a new update to their Windows 10 operating system in the last few days which includes several bug fixes and a few new features. One feature that has quietly been added is a new option for users to have their computer melt in front of them into a lump of steamy plastic as their hardware purposefully increases temperature.
The company states that "Many users these days struggle to find reliable ways of keeping their files and computer use private. We at Microsoft have listened to their suggestions and are pleased to announce that all machines running this new update will have the option to immediately and discreetly destroy any information that could be gleaned from a hard drive, whether by nosy roommates, jealous romantic partners, or law enforcement officers who had the foresight to obtain warrants." Although the spokesperson for the company did not disclose precisely how the new option works, it appears that, with a simple mouse click, any Windows 10 user with this most recent update can permanently destroy their desktop, laptop, or tablet by causing the internal elements to increase substantially in temperature until ultimately destroying or making unusable the material of which it is constructed. The full destruction of the hardware takes approximately 20 to 40 seconds. Naturally, questions have been raised as to the safety of such a feature. The spokesperson emphasized that "this feature is not without risk. Melting machines, at their peak, get to near 500 degrees Fahrenheit, so we cannot overemphasize the need to place it on a heat-resistant surface before actually clicking on the 'Melt computer' option. Additionally, please ensure that you are in a well-ventilated area before melting your computer, as vapors from the pyrolized materials may be hazardous to your health." Most Microsoft customers appear largely appreciative of this long-awaited option, as they have been left to more archaic methods of computer destruction in the past. Said one customer, Thaddeus McClure, 38, "I nearly lost an eye a couple of months ago when I had to get rid of my hard drive. After that whole Hillary Clinton debacle from 2016, I couldn't afford to take any risks of my information going public, so I tried to destroy it by hand. It's harder than it looks. I tried a couple of hammers and some pliers and such. I eventually just went with an acid, but that stuff is a nightmare to work with. I'm really excited to try this new Windows feature." Still, other customers are concerned with how easy it appears to be to melt one's computer. The function is readily accessible among the power options, and some worry that they might accidentally melt their computer when intending to just power it down. To this concern, Microsoft assured the public that their concerns are duly noted, and that, should they inadvertently melt a machine, there are several cost-effective replacement devices available for purchase at their website.