PHILADEPHIA, PA—The latest edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is used worldwide as an aide in diagnosing mental conditions, was released in May 2013, nearly 6 years ago. Noting that the field of psychiatry has changed significantly since those materials were developed, members of the American Psychological Association (APA) have announced revisions that will occur in the next edition of the DSM, which will be known as DSM-5.1. While many of the updates are minor changes in vocabulary, some significant alterations will be found in the new edition, including the addition of "March Madness" as a diagnosable mental disorder.
Ronaldo Bellini, chairman of the task force responsible for these updates, remarks that "the decision to include MM came naturally once we gathered data and seriously considered the possibility that it could be a disorder. The results were overwhelming, and incredibly widespread. I theorize that it's closely related to OCD." Citing obsessively meticulous bracket-making along with its chronic nature and the stressful stakes of the bracket competition, Bellini states that there is more than enough evidence to classify March Madness as a disorder. "These people retreat from their families and work into a world of fantasy, suppositions, and 'what-if' make-believe that can really impede their well-being. With millions of individuals suffering from the illness each year, we are at no loss for data on the symptoms."
Some critics of the new classification have pointed out that the duration of March Madness is clearly scheduled with different dates and lengths each year, and that those who participate return to normalcy promptly. Bellini responds, "You see, March Disorder—the term 'madness' has a lot of baggage attached to it—is a lot like SAD [Seasonal Affective Disorder] in that we see increased numbers of it at a certain time of the year. This condition is not very different; while SAD is tied more directly to seasons of weather though, March Disorder is a certain psychosis connected to sports seasons."
Once this option for diagnosis is embraced by psychiatrists, families and friends of affected individuals will finally be able to get them the help they need. "The best part of all of this is that now we're equipping people with the means to reclaim husbands and fathers that suffer from this condition! People won't have to pretend to care about brackets, seeds, and upsets in order to engage in conversation with their loved ones. And that's all that these families really want."
Another notable addition to the DSM is Conservative Ideology Disorder, or CID. Diagnosis will be based on adherence to any remotely-conservative political thinking, including gun rights, anti-abortionism, and being male, middle-class, or white. Recommended treatment will consist of electroshock therapy, public flogging, or euthanasia in extreme cases.