PORTLAND, OR—Aging parents nationwide bemoan their grandchild-less state in the wake of another disappointing Valentine's day, which their millennial spawn audaciously spent without a significant other. Citing their children's inability to interact meaningfully with members of the opposite sex, self-imposed isolation behind a computer screen, and simply "being the worst," many of these anxious fathers and mothers fear their familial lines may finally have reached their end.
A new dating service hopes to assuage these common parental fears. BEtrothed, from the makers of Match.com, "takes the work out of dating and courtship." As school, video games, and other activities inhibit the formation of meaningful relationships for unambitious millennials, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to meet, let alone work up the courage to talk to potential mates. BEtrothed allows parents to provide input, schedule dates, and even draft nuptial agreements on behalf of their children.
"[Expletive] yeah I'm okay with it! At least now I know I'll get married instead of dying alone in a mosh pit at a Slipknot concert," reports regular Comic Con attendee Tyler Chandler, 33. "I don't really care all that much, but it's important to my parents and I doubt it'll be much more of a drag than my current life," continued the part-time employee at Burger King.
"We're just so happy to finally have the power to help Tyler meet somebody!" remarks Harold Chandler, 59. "I was worried he'd live in our basement forever, but now that we've arranged a marriage for him with a nice girl from a few blocks over, I hope he'll finally get a taste for responsibility."
Using proprietary hotness-rating software, BEtrothed assigns individuals a number between one and ten, and places them in a pool of persons with similar numbers in their area. Parents can see all local matches for their child and reach out to other parents using the app. There are currently no age limits for those being arranged; BEtrothed individuals range in age from 18 months to 46 years old.
"There's nothing illegal about these arrangements, considering that marriage isn't officially entered into until the participants are of proper age," claims BEtrothed legal representative Michael Barlow, 44. "And nobody is forced into anything they don't want to be. This is a natural, easy way for parents to help their children's relationships, which has been practiced worldwide for centuries." In response to criticisms that arranged unions will be unhappy when compared to marriages of love, Barlow said "well, all four of my experiences with marriage were completely unhappy anyway, so you really only give up the effort it takes in forming a bitter, painful union. Win-win!"
Currently, the software only supports heterosexual coupling due to universally negative responses from the parents in market test groups. Parental reactions included confusion at the prospect of same-sex attraction, hasty explanations that "it's just a phase" their child will ultimately grow out of, incredulity, rationalization that orientation does not preclude heterosexual marriage and child-rearing, and attempts to negotiate their children into extramarital affairs while maintaining heterosexual appearances.