It is with great sorrow that the family of 9-year-old Augustus Gloop announce his tragic death after failing to follow the rules during a tour at a chocolate factory in London, England this weekend.
Augustus, a sweet boy by all accounts, spent his days and nights stuffing his already-overweight face with chocolates and candies, and so it was a dream come true when he won a tour of the renowned chocolate factory. Perhaps the happiest day of his life was also his last, as he was overcome by his sweet tooth at the sight of all of the goodies in the factory. Against warnings, Augustus began drinking from what he believed to be a filthy river within the facility, but he soon realized that it was pure liquid chocolate, and simply could not contain himself. After reaching deeper and deeper into the river, he slipped into it and was caught in the elaborate pump system while the factory's reclusive owner appeared indifferent to his plight.
Fortunately, Augustus was freed from the pipes, but the ordeal was too much for his overworked heart, and he died in a pool of chocolate and vomit on the floor. All efforts by the tiny orange factory workers to resuscitate him were unsuccessful.
Mr. and Mrs. Gloop cannot help but think that perhaps this entire tragedy could have been avoided had they only been more serious about nutrition and teaching self-control to their little butterball, and hope that all parents everywhere will remember their Augustus as they consider whether to skip the spinach again tonight at dinner.
Services will be held in Essen, Germany on Tuesday at 12:30 p.m.