CUPERTINO, CA—In a continuing effort to increase incompatibility, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced yesterday that starting in January 2019, Bluetooth functionality will cease in the entire line of Apple products.
“We’re always working to bring our customers the best, most expensive options available,” Cook said, “so that’s why we’re developing our own wireless pairing system called ‘iTooth’ that does the exact same thing as Bluetooth, but more exclusively.” Apple boasts that with iTooth, only Apple-issued speakers, headphones, smart watches, and even cars will be compatible with the company’s phones and tablets.
"While iPhones and iPads with built-in iTooth technology won't be released until late 2019, we are excited to offer iTooth adapters for only 200 USD," a smirking Cook explained. Adapters plug into devices' charge ports and are compatible with iPhone 8 and newer models as well as any iPad purchased after 2017.
“We understand that most new cars currently use Bluetooth to pair with phones for hands-free use while driving, and we as a company are no longer willing to associate with so many other brands. Consumers can expect Apple cars to be on the market by 2021 with all the capabilities of existing luxury vehicles at just 180% of the cost.” Until then, there will be iTooth adapters available for non-Apple cars (running around 500 USD), but Cook emphasizes that "those adapters will stop working as soon as we release the real thing."
As of press time, faithful Apple users across the United States had cheerily begun refinancing their homes in preparation for pre-ordering the iCar.