NEW YORK, NY—Finally ending the tired charade, the worldwide diamond and jewelry behemoth, De Beers, has begun openly questioning men's commitment to their relationships based on the precise dollar amount spent on diamonds, gold, and other precious stones and metals in the form of jewelry.
Each year, particularly around Valentine's Day and Christmas, the company is joined by all other jewelry makers in airing commercials that subtly imply the size and quality of a diamond necklace, emerald ring, or other completely useless and unnecessary fashion accessory is directly linked to the degree of respect and affection that the purchaser has for the recipient. This is usually accomplished by stating things like, "Give her a symbol of your love," or " Show her how precious she is," while tantalizing the weak-willed lovers with images of shiny objects and attractive actresses admiring them.
Although the method has been quite effective, De Beers has now broken the mold by dropping the pretense. Their new ad campaign outright attacks men who are not taking out a second mortgage to stockpile jewelry for their romantic interests.
The most recent video advertisement from De Beers starts out like most traditional jewelry commercials, showing glistening rings and necklaces, and women who are well-groomed and in makeup for some reason on Christmas morning. The female narrator says, "This holiday season, stop being such a total loser. She's thinking of leaving you, and you know it. You can give her a new toaster like a [expletive] moron again, or you can finally do something romantic—something that will make her feel human again. This year, don't bother with those awful slippers that say, 'I want to keep you from the things you love.' This time, get her something that shows her you actually have a soul. De Beers."
The ad originally was met with some offense from the community, but De Beers released a statement that silenced critics, "We at De Beers love your wives and girlfriends. That's why we make the only things on the planet that can show them that love. If we were in your shoes, we would totally get a second job or sell a kidney so that we could buy them the biggest love rock De Beers sells. What's the matter with you, you misogynist pig?"
As of press time, De Beers stock value and the average per-household debt in the U.S. have tripled.