NORFOLK, VA—In recent years, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has made major acquisitions across the globe of farms, meat factories, slaughterhouses, and restaurants. However, the organization came under fire last month as independent financial audits have revealed that animal slaughter has actually increased by more than tenfold on PETA property. The plot thickens as Christopher A. Wray, the current director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), shed light on new information after federal raids.
“PETA’s financials suggest an unnerving conspiracy of global proportions,” Director Wray commented. “Everyone assumed that PETA’s goal in purchasing so many slaughterhouses and other businesses was to decommission or reapportion them. The purchases’ raison d’être has turned out to be far more nefarious.
“From merely an ethical standpoint, living conditions have worsened by far for animals as they are now confined to smaller living spaces, injected with artificial hormones, and beaten in a manner to conceal bruising. Newer machinery and other equipment for the slaughter and packaging of animals has been replaced with rusty, dull blades and tools that are more likely to bludgeon over time than cause immediate death. In some factories and meat-packing plants, employees treat chickens with a serum that heightens pain and causes them to swell. The only apparent purpose is to increase suffering of the animals as employees kick them around during their breaks; this game is called ‘cocker’ in the U.S. but ‘fowl ball’ elsewhere. Also, animal fights have been instigated in some facilities amidst illegal gambling. Based on our evidence, the calf fights were especially gruesome."
The PETA conspiracy involves much more than the torture of innocent animals, as Wray explained. "PETA’s black market, money laundering, and other illegal activities are apparently conducted out of these establishments. Even though the FBI and equivalent agencies around the world managed to shut down much of PETA’s traditional human trafficking ring during the late 90s, it has seen a major resurgence in such facilities. These sources of funding, as well as those from donors, appear to be financing a lavish albeit riotous, drug-fueled lifestyle for PETA employees and management. There was more than one report of PETA management searing living cattle and eating steak directly from the livestock during a hedonistic rave. …”
PETA representatives could not be reached for comment, as they are currently in federal custody.