Hey babes. Sorry for my long absence - I got a haircut that wasn't quite what I wanted, so I had to lie low for a few days, smash all of my mirrors, and do a lot of thinking about things.
I'm so glad to be back, and I really appreciate all of the concerned letters and gifts that I'm sure people sent to me in my wallowing.
I hope that you all had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. I sure did. I thought that I could use my experience to help out some of you who are planning on being with family for the holiday season as we move into December. We've all been there, sitting at the dinner table over a delicious meal, trying to brag about all that we're up do, when someone decides to bring up politics or religion. Awkward! Rather than let things get uncomfortable for you, I want to share some tips that I tried out over my Thanksgiving day. These worked well for me, so maybe you can use them in the near future.
I find that the most important thing is to show dominance in these challenging situations. Rather than be the one passively making small talk about your younger brother's job and hobbies, it's best to get out ahead of the game and catch everyone else off guard. I like to just rip right in there with an openly hostile political or religious comment that is sure to offend half of the people there. Keep in mind that it can't be a subtle jab, because people can just deflect and ignore that. I like to use some comment that is impossible to ignore. Something like, "So, I can't decide who sheds more innocent blood: the NRA or Planned Parenthood." That sort of thing will set everyone off and, if you're lucky, they will start to eat each other while you hog all of the potato rolls.
If you're really good at setting off controversy grenades, then the rest of the meal is already destroyed, but now it's clear to everyone, and rather than mom trying to salvage the moment with pleas for civility, she'll join in by pointing fingers and inappropriately making the whole day about herself. I find those situations are way better than when there are just subtle offenses flying here and there while everyone smiles through their teeth at each other.
Sometimes, of course, you've got that uncle at the meal who is really good at reading situations or whatever. He might confront you on why you would make such an openly hostile remark. That's where things can start to get out of control for you. I normally like to be the center of attention, but when it's accusatory, that can be an uncomfortable position.
So here's what I do. First, immediately deny that you had any ill intention, and start to cry. Crying is a great way to get others to put down their swords and start to get them uncomfortable. It's also really good to ignore the points everyone is trying to make, and attack them directly with conversation stoppers like "How dare you?" and "Don't you know what I've been through?" or things like that. They're vague, but very effective at making you seem in the right. Probably 9 times out of 10, you'll get an apology before the meal is over. A lot of the time, the others will have lost their appetite, too, so you can scavenge their plates and have more pie to yourself.
By the end of the day, you'll have not only been in control of the entire situation, but you'll look like the one who was the victim and get all the sympathy. No one will expect you to help with the cleanup, and if they do, you can just start tearing up again. If things really seem desperate, curl up in a ball on the couch or bring up how much you miss a relative who passed or who couldn't be there.
These things are golden, so try not to use them at every meal, but save them for those special occasions where there will be more people. That will give you lots of material to cover with your therapist in the next session, you can blog about it, and you can even put it in a self-published book.
Now that you're excited for those Christmas dinners and whatnot, be sure to let me know what happens in the aftershocks. See ya!