LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM—British citizens are aghast at an announcement that was made by Prime Minister Theresa May yesterday afternoon. The crux of the matter is that millions of United Kingdom citizens' accents are due to expire at the end of November, rendering them useless for the British people.
The announcement came only after hundreds of thousands of citizens received notices through the mail from the United Nations, alerting them that they had reached the end of their subscription term for their characteristic speaking patterns. Normally, the subscription is renewed automatically every year, but it appears that there was some lapse in the renewal this time.
Prime Minister May explained that the lapse was due to an oversight when she accepted the position following Prime Minister Cameron's resignation in July. "Terribly sorry, everyone," she stated. "I'm sure I don't know exactly how it all happened. With Brexit on its way, and then the royal wedding and all, the paperwork just utterly slipped everyone's mind."
As for what happens now, there appears to be general confusion. The people of Britain have had clear claim to multiple beloved accents, such as Scottish, Irish, Cockney, Scouse, Yorkshire, Welsh, and so many others. Once the clock strikes midnight the morning of December 1st, most experts imagine that the British people will awaken having lost all the charm and hilarity that accompanies their speech. Some experts imagine that the 66 million people of the United Kingdom will resort back to the accents used in the 1740s, just before the accent subscription service began. "That would be utterly horrifying, as it sounds nothing like what we know today," commented linguist Professor Harrison Richards.
Still, the most common prediction is that those with accents will awake to over-enunciate their words in a monotone. "I imagine that it would be a rather robotic sound," shared Richards. "Really quite horrifying if you consider it through."
Perhaps the most frightening estimation is that all certified British accent holders will awaken unable to speak at all. "Naturally, under that scenario, they would still be able to communicate through writing, but they would find themselves unable to use our delightful idioms, such as 'Bob's yer uncle,' and so on," said Richards. "But of course, all of this is just conjecture at this point. This whole thing is quite unprecedented."
There have been multiple emergency meetings of Parliament, as well as large-scale protests on the streets of London. Prime Minister May explained that she made several inquiries over the phone to the United Nations (who has held the subscription since it was established in 1945), but was disappointed to find that the policies are quite clear that "services may be cancelled after receiving no response to the third reminder notice." These notices were reportedly misplaced during May's transition into the position.
May added a hopeful note that, "there does seem to be an appeals process in place. For that, we respectfully ask that each person wishing to maintain claim to his or her current accent to please send in 3 letters of reference, specifically addressing how well you make use of your accent. Please do this by the end of the week so that we can resolve the matter before the deadline."
However, the appeal is not likely to go smoothly, as there are several other nations lined up to take over the subscription to British accents. At the top of the list is North Korea, followed by South Africa, who lost the rights to British accents nearly two centuries ago.
"In the worst case scenario," said Richards, "the people of Britain will have lost all claim to their disarming accents come December, and may have to come up with new ones. We are all hoping that it won't come to that, but for the time being, I'm going to start working on getting used to a Canadian accent, as I know there are still several slots available."