NORFOLK, VA—Leaders of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) convened this morning to make a list of public denunciations that have been "a long time coming." In addition to the expected condemnations of dog-fighters, butchers, commercial ranchers, pesticides, zoos, and humanity in general, also featured on their bulleted list were some unusual targets of scorn. These included the use of moleskin in blister treatment, among others.
"It is simply barbaric that in 2018 there are still people that justify this level of cruelty to animals!" exclaimed PETA spokesman Carolina Withers. "We as human beings, the self-proclaimed rulers of the planet, have an obligation to protect and honor our fellow inhabitants," Withers stated. "What right do we have to forcibly remove the skin of a defenseless creature like a mole so that our 'poor widdle bwisters' don't hurt as much?" she continued, clearly misinformed about the origin of the material. "America should be at the forefront in redressing these atrocities committed against animal life, but instead we have systematically targeted and exploited every species we've found! No pun intended, but we're making a molehill out of a mountain!" Withers stated emphatically, knowing full well that she was walking into a pun and making no attempt to change course.
Moleskin, a heavy fabric weaved tightly from cotton, is in no way derived from the outer protective layer of subterranean mammals. The name developed due to the soft brushed hand of the fabric which is similar to the feel of the skin of a mole. Withers expressed similar ignorance about houndstooth patterning in clothing, the cultivation of foxglove plants, and the famous novel "To Kill A Mockingbird," which are all devoid of any relation to their namesake animals.
Foam beginning to appear at the edge of her mouth, Withers queried, "Why can't we just leave these poor creatures be? What's so wrong with letting the aphids have a few potatoes every now and then or letting mosquitoes take a blood donation, huh? All animals—even 'pests' like moles—have as much right as humans, if not more, to live in this beautiful world."
A similar press conference is scheduled for next month. PETA has announced that they will extend their pro-animal lobbying to predatory animals, stating that "they have to respect the lives of other things just like the rest of us."