WASHINGTON, DC—Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continue to stall as several fringe groups have come forward in opposition.
In an official statement issued yesterday, the anti-fluoride group TFOOT (Take Fluoride Out Of Toothpaste) denounced Mr. Kavanaugh for his lifelong use of fluoride-enhanced toothpaste. For decades fluoride has proven a valuable weapon against tooth decay, although there are some who consider it poisonous, especially to children who possibly could actually eat the sweet-flavored toothpaste in dangerously high quantities. Spokesman Harvey Newbaum [45, from Lubbock, Texas] said, “Mr. Kavanaugh’s bias crosses a dangerous line here, we’re talking about the lives of our children; we can’t afford to have anyone on the bench with such blatant disregard for our future generations!”
While the Judicial Branch of the US government does not create legislation, it only rules according to existing laws, there are many with concerns that Kavanaugh’s biases cannot be set aside when he serves on the highest court in the nation and that those biases will render his opinions unacceptable to a majority of the citizens and their biases. One such group is US auto makers who rallied against Kavanaugh when it came to light that he once owned a Volvo and reportedly said, “I sure loved that car!” Spokesman Larry Joiner explained, “It is entirely possible one of us [US auto-makers] could be brought before the Supreme Court someday, but we would be at a distinct disadvantage if Justice Kavanaugh’s favorite car was a Swedish make, I’m sure you can understand.”
Allegations that Kavanaugh is right-handed have the Southpaw Rights Group up-in-arms, fearing he will not properly represent the left-handed in the Supreme Court. Coastal cities aren’t happy that he has a vacation cabin in the mountains, claiming that his influence may divert relief funds elsewhere after the annual hurricanes. Pig farmers aren’t happy that he chooses a good steak over a pork chop every time, and asparagus farmers are disappointed he doesn’t like their product, claiming it’s un-American. Also, US garment workers aren’t happy that he prefers boxers to briefs, although they can’t explain why.
Man-on-the-street interviews revealed regular citizens with their own concerns. Carla Banks, 31 and mother of two boys said, “I heard that when he was a kid, he always rode his bike on the sidewalk, that’s against the law, you know. And his neighbor thought he saw him pee once behind a tree in his back yard; he’s a monster!” When asked if her boys have never done that, Mrs. Banks declined to comment and ended the interview. Another citizen, who wished to remain unnamed, asserted, “I don’t like him at all, he’s too much like Trump, you know, all goody-goody, thinks he’s God’s gift and all.” The Colon then ventured, might he prefer God as a Justice over Kavanaugh? As though he’d already thought about it, the middle-aged gentleman responded quickly, “What? Are you kidding me? God already has way too much power, besides, he’s too religious.”
When reached for comment, Mr. Kavanaugh seemed largely unaware of the fringe groups, denied most of the allegations, and then lost The Colon's support by ordering pizza with pineapple on it.