POINT LAY, AK—The walrus world's most irresistible mating symbol granted audience to The Colon in a rare media interview on Sunday.
Known throughout the Arctic Ocean and pinniped world for his chiseled good looks, bloated physique, and magnetic personality, Slappy McWhiskers is a bull whom every cow would like to get in the water. Ranked at the top of both the "best whiskers" and "most symmetrical tusks" list by WalrUs Weekly for the last 4 consecutive years, it would be difficult to find a walrus who did not recognize Slappy, and perhaps impossible to find a female who had not fantasized about hearing some teeth clacking only to turn and see him staring back at them from across the ice.
Weighing in at 3835 lbs., and boasting a full 58 inches in height, Slappy is the kind of specimen that ruins mating season for the other guys. In the most recent season, he tended a herd of 36 of the plumpest cows the Alaskan coast had to offer, with many more turned away heartbroken at not having made the cut.
Although most walrus bulls would give their left vibrissae just to rest on the ice floe next to him, Slappy insists that being such a heartthrob is not all shellfish and females in estrus. In fact, there are some days when Slappy would trade it all.
"I know the other bulls won't have much sympathy, but it's truly exhausting to be so drop-dead gorgeous all the time," the Atlantic walrus shared. "Take a couple of seasons ago. I dropped a couple hundred pounds, and the walrus media just raked me through the coals! Sure, Toothbeard [Finface] over there can drop 450 pounds and nobody even notices, but I can't even blink without the pinniparazzi spreading rumors about me!"
Apart from the need to appear physically at his peak blubber level at all times, Slappy told The Colon about the emotional strain of needing to constantly reject interested cows.
"I just feel so terrible about it all the time," he explained. "I mean, every cow who's even close to estrus will sit there on the ice and watch for me in the water. If they so much as think I might have let a bell sound slip under water, they'll plop right in and chase after me. I can't tell you how many perfectly gargantuan cows I've had to turn away. I feel terrible about it, but what else can I do? A walrus has got to take a break to eat, too!"
There is no shortage of rejected females near Slappy, but he also feels the pressure from his former and current mates to be emotionally supportive.
"I really do try, I promise. But the thing is, it's impossible to tell if they're even pregnant for like, 4 months, so sometimes I don't remember their names by the time I get the news. Then I don't even see the kid for over a year, so how am I supposed to keep track of the tubby little squirts?"
The stresses of being the perfect walrus specimen are difficult to fathom for an average mammal, but Slappy insists that they are real and heavy. At times, he admits, he has thought about just swimming straight into an orca pod and leaving it all behind him. Still, at age 29, he does not have much longer ahead of him. He looks forward to a time when a younger, more agile bull shows dominance over him one day. "I can't even remember the last time another bull challenged me," he said. "They just take one look at these black, lifeless eyes of mine and decide not to even bother."
Slappy's parting words with The Colon were a plead with our readers not to look upon him with envy, but to count your own blessings.