CUPERTINO, CA—In a long-awaited public announcement on Tuesday afternoon, Apple, Inc. revealed their latest product innovation. Beginning in October of this year, the tech behemoth will begin selling charging cords that are unique to the devices with which they are sold. In other words, when you purchase an iPhone after October, the only cord that will ever work with that specific phone you bought will be the one in the package.
The announcement started out with a brief introduction as Tim Cook, the CEO of the company, provided context for the initiative. "The people here at Apple work very hard to maintain our status in the tech world. If we are known for anything, it is incompatibility. Our products are nearly impossible to get to work with software and devices that were not specifically created to work with them, and we want to take this notoriety to new levels."
After introducing the "lightning" connection design in 2012, it quickly became the standard for all of Apple's devices while the rest of the known universe uses micro-USB connections. The company's announcement included a description of the new iCord, stating that virtually all of the billions of new connectors they make will look identical, and yet will work in no device except the one with which it was packaged.
Cook addressed concerns at the product announcement that it would be time-consuming and needlessly complicated for Apple users to keep track of the iCord, and that replacing the cord would not be possible. To these, he smiled and said, "Well, Apple users are no strangers to hassle," which was met with several nods from the audience. He added, "And if I've learned nothing else from my 20 years at this magnificent company, it's that you morons will pay me whatever the [expletive] I ask, whenever the [expletive] I ask." That statement was met with wide applause.
Cook continued his introduction of the iCord for another 20 minutes, touting the many benefits of the product. "In addition to ensuring your device's security, as it will be virtually impossible to access the files without the iCord, this new milestone will also add to the sense of elitism that you smug yuppie larvae have come to feel entitled to."
The speech was met with a 12-minute standing ovation.
The iCord is expected to add only $284 to the price tag of each new Apple device purchased after October 1st, and will come in its standard 3-inch length.