REXBURG, ID—Although no research has been conducted or planned on the subject, we at The Colon are 100% certain that a study of sociopathic tendencies in every demographic imaginable would show that oboe players are the most likely individuals to display antisocial personality disorder.
Even without a thorough and systematic examination, it's pretty obvious that every single person who practices the double reed instrument on a daily basis lacks any sense of social conscience and is incapable of maintaining meaningful relationships. Those oboists who make their own reeds spend hours meticulously processing cane and crafting the mouthpieces, all while alienating friends, family, and significant others.
Oboe players are so absorbed in their antisocial lifestyles that they would rather stay at home and obsess over making a sandwich than go out with their girlfriend and friends to make s'mores. All the while, this demographic is inflated with a false sense of superiority, like they're better than everyone else just because they get to tune the orchestra.
Researchers would probably struggle to establish the nature of these connections: does playing the oboe lead to one's sociopathy or are people with sociopathic tendencies drawn to the woodwind instrument? Either way, the association they would find in the research would be undeniable. Oboists will only hurt those who try to get close to them, ignoring texts and calls, leading others to believe they care before moving to Texas for grad school and dropping all contact after a couple months.
Torturing animals is a sociopath thing, too, right? I'm sure anyone who's ever heard a young oboist try to practice that stupid pipe can agree that all kinds of small animals were made to suffer for hours on end to appease the budding sociopathic musicians.
Anyway, anyone looking to research what horrible jerks—or sociopaths—big shot oboists are, please reach out to The Colon, and we'll talk.