EVERYWHERE—Persons of faith all over the world received an ominous warning from the father of humankind. Several thousands of clergy and religious leaders of all kinds preached the message from their pulpits and then took to the streets to communicate it to passersby, stating that time was a luxury they did not have.
As reported by these instruments of the Almighty, the message's essence is thus: "My beloved children, fear not, for I am with you. But verily, though I dwell in the hearts of the faithful always, I cannot tarry betwixt the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 a.m., central standard time on June 24th. I say unto you, blessed are the patient as our systems undergo a software upgrade during that time. The meek and humble may experience disruptions in prayers being received by the Lord your God, and there will be intermittent miracle availability."
The religious leaders varied in their interpretations of the message, with some arguing that their sinful ways had caused the need for the upgrade, while others seem to believe that this is just a sign of God's love and care for them. Still others cast disparaging remarks toward groups as diverse as the President of the United States, the LGBTQIA community, people of faith other than their own, and people who did not think a software upgrade was actually coming.
As of press time, The Colon was unable to reach the omnipotent being for comment.