CUPERTINO, CA—In the wake of Apple's latest product release last Thursday, hospitals around the nation have experienced unusually high numbers of drug-related admissions. With patient maladies ranging from injuries caused by poor judgement and lack of motor control to overdose-induced organ failure, countless voices are crying out for someone to blame.
"I camped out in line for four days to get what I thought would be a better iPhone, but people started coming out of the store with these pill packets. Lots of them were really confused, holding up the packs to the light and stuff, but others were freaking out, like, they kept scratching themselves in the same spot or staring at their hand like it was the first time they were seeing it. It was nuts, man," says Pittsburgh resident Jared Bay, 24.
FDA officials have noted the addictive nature of Apple tablets and phones since the time of their introduction and popular reception. The Surgeon General noted in 2011 that Apple tablets are habit-forming, citing the vast majority of users that seek to expand their collection of touch-screen tools that share essentially the same capabilities, returning in droves to Apple stores with each subsequent product release. "They somehow feel compelled to obnoxiously tell everyone they know (and some people they don't) about how pleased they are with their device. Science hasn't yet found a way to help those poor souls who have gone down the path of tablet abuse."
Apple's Chief Financial Officer, Luca Maestri, hinted at plans for the tech giant's future in a press conference on February 4: “The thought process is always to acquire something that allows us to either accelerate our product road maps, fill a gap in our portfolio, [or] provide a new experience to customers,” he noted, stating that his company, which currently ranks first in revenue globally, looks “at all sizes and we will continue to do so.” With the release of this latest tablet, Apple has apparently extended its reach into the realm of psychedelic compounds.
The latest model iPhone hovers in price around $1000, but the new tablet, dubbed the iPhone X-tasy, is currently valued at $1200 and sold in batches of 6, 12, and 24. However, Apple marketing assures us that if sales persist, higher amounts can be anticipated in the near future.
While many zealous Apple-dependent individuals expressed feelings of betrayal and unease at the unexpected turn of events, long-time Minneapolis resident Chris Henderson, 33, among others, seemed genuinely pleased with the new product. "I was just getting bored with my current narcotic habits, so I'm very excited for the opportunity to expand my hallucinatory horizons. I've made sure to always get new iPhones as they've come out, and I'm definitely not gonna miss out on the hallucinogenic experiences they're now offering." "The battery life has improved a ton since the last model, and I can't even describe how amazing the color is! It's just out of this world, though the display isn't as big as some users would have liked" Fort Lauderdale's Linus Powell, 29, noted.
Despite generally positive reception, the public still has not forgotten the numbers of people hospitalized as a result of this new product. Apple executives have expressed concerns that the usage instructions included with their new tablet were not clear enough for the general public. They have issued a statement, formally apologizing for the ambiguous usage directions, which read simply "take two for a good time, four to clear memory, and twenty for full system shutdown."
When asked to comment, DEA President Michael Stromberg remarked with a chuckle, "Well, Apple has always been this sort of 'necessary evil.' Right now, we have bigger fish to fry," he said, turning to face the wintry sky. "And heck, this isn't nearly as bad as when people started swallowing the first generation of Apple tablets. There was a group in Arkansas that even ground up and snorted them."