WASHINGTON, DC—After thousands of years, domesticated animals finally broke their silence Thursday in what will surely be viewed as a landmark press conference, held just outside the headquarters for the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA). Citing recent developments in dietary trends, the foremost hen, Amelia Egghart, addressed those in attendance at the conference along with farm animals and humans everywhere.
“Most recently, with the rising popularity of ‘cage-free’ eggs, we’ve decided that it’s time to put our talons down.
“First off,” Egghart stated between pecks at nearby corn, “the term makes it sound like our eggs are raised in an unconfined space, which is misleading; they come in those tight cardboard, plastic, or foam cartons—definitely not a lot of wiggle room there. These are unfertilized eggs and even if they were fertilized, they would be stuck in the egg shells anyway. Believe me, they don’t care.
“Second, assuming that ‘cage-free’ refers to how we, adult chickens, are raised, we actually enjoy our cages and coops. They give us a sense of protection in an uncertain world.” Egghart slammed her wing on the podium before adding, “Let us roam some old pasture or field and we could be snatched at any instant by a fox, a hawk, or you name it!
“Now, I would like to turn the time over to my bovine associate, Bessie.”
“Thank you,” Bessie mooed politely while shuffling her notes. “Similar to the ‘cage-free’ issue of our feathered friends, we feel that there has been a deep misunderstanding related to the treatment of cows like me. One such misunderstanding is related to our being milked. We have no problem with being milked; in fact, we enjoy it. Words fail to describe the sensation and, besides, we like providing humans with a salubrious source of protein and other nutrients.
“On another note,” the Holstein Friesian cow continued, “my companions and I are sick and tired of humans referring to our domestication and use for meat respectively as ‘imprisonment’ and ‘murder.’ Have you any idea what would happen to us in the wild? We would struggle looking for sufficient provender in all sorts of weather conditions, not to mention the real possibility of being painfully torn to shreds by a predator at any time. We would just feel plain unproductive. Conversely, in the civilized human world, we have things easy and feel like we contribute meaningfully: not only our milk but also our meat. As our swine comrades will attest, it gives us great satisfaction that we taste so good to humans.” A nearby sow nodded and oinked in agreement before speaking herself.
“Yes, and it is quite comforting knowing how we’ll die,” said the swine as she approached the microphone. “More so, we know that we provide some of the most delicious and craved meats of all in the form of bacon. We rather like the attention, death be hammed. If there is anything that disconcerts us in the whole process, it is the fact that we are receiving fewer and fewer antibiotics. We’re not sure what spurred this movement for organic meat treated without antibiotics, but we assumed that the advent of the Affordable Care Act, AKA Obamacare, would allow us to gain greater access to important medications and other forms of healthcare. We were disappointed in these, our hopes. Also, humans should ask themselves: Would I really want to eat meat from an animal that should have been treated with antibiotics?”
Numerous other domesticated animals addressed the conference, including spokeshorse Silver and a lamb named Snowball. The penultimate speaker, a Scottish terrier named Bingo, spoke to much applause and barks from his fellow canines.
“We, dogs, are glad that we’ve held the status of man’s best friend for so long, but like our equine friends, we are discouraged that we have only rarely—in time of need or in generally unaccepted cultural traditions—been brought closer to our best friend by being consumed for food. Our tails would be wagging all the way to the slaughter. Maybe then, our masters would call us ‘great boy’ instead of the lackluster ‘good boy.’”
Egghart concluded the conference by saying, “In summary, we are sick of humans projecting their warped ideology onto us. They should stop acting like they know what’s best for us. They kill each other and don’t even use the meat. Vegans are just abhorrent to us! And don’t get me started on PETA.”