DENVER, CO—In what has been termed by experts “the most upsetting revelation of the modern era,” Norman “Norm” McShinsky, 87, interrupted his retirement to make an important announcement. McShinsky, who early in his engineering career was instrumental in the development of the first low-cost smoke detector for residential use, reached out to The Colon to “get some things off [his] chest.” Expecting some sort of confession related to non-compliance with safety standards, Colon reporters eagerly answered his request, considering the public's ̶f̶̶̶a̶̶̶s̶̶̶c̶̶̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶a̶̶̶t̶̶̶i̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶i̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶ ̶̶̶b̶̶̶l̶̶̶e̶̶̶a̶̶̶k̶̶̶ ̶̶̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶f̶̶̶o̶̶̶r̶̶̶m̶̶̶a̶̶̶t̶̶̶i̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶ uncompromising concern for safety. However, McShinsky shared sobering words of a different nature.
“You know how the smoke detector will start beeping when the battery gets low? Well, that’s part of a, uh, certain safety feature we installed.” Wringing his hands and avoiding eye contact, he continued, “I was against it from the start, but I went along with it because I was a junior member of the team…. 60 years is a long time. I just can’t take it anymore.” McShinsky proceeded to explain the mechanism behind the beeping of a smoke detector when the battery runs low, which is known among American residents as the most annoying of the life-saving device’s features. “I got a lot of complaints from friends and family over the years about how their [smoke detector] would start beeping at the worst times, just when they finally started to feel like they were really resting, and I would think, ‘if only you knew the truth.’ I thought for sure that someone would catch on. I was afraid to talk to people, I developed crippling paranoia, and my marriage just never recovered.”
Since its development in 1965, the low-cost smoke detector has gone through dozens of iterations and been mass-produced by the thousands. Now, these devices are found in virtually every American home, being required by most state governments. “The truth is, we designed those shrieking harpies to lose battery precisely during deep, meaningful sleep. Originally, we just wanted to be sure that people knew the battery was low on their device, to make sure they changed the battery, but we were approached by military contractors who had, well, other things in mind.”
Common complaints about smoke detectors center on the “impossibly long interval between beeps” and “uncannily bad timing” of non-emergency alerts. Clinical therapist Margaret McAdams-Meyers states, “I’ve had more clients because of smoke-detector-induced breakdowns than divorce, bullying, or abuse have ever brought to me. Combined.” One of her patients, [name withheld], 37, remarked, “It’s the worst. I’ll be in my bed, sleeping like a baby, when at 2:30, 3:00 [AM] I wake up to a beep I know I heard, but when I listen for another one, nothing. I start to drift back to sleep, when there’s another one. I spend 20 minutes as this continues, wondering if I’m imagining the whole thing before I’m finally convinced I’m not crazy, then I have to stand out in the hall for another 20 to try to find which smoke alarm it actually is. As if that’s not enough, I have to find a stool or a chair tall enough to actually reach the thing, figure out how to get it off the ceiling and realize I don’t have the right kind of battery. I’m no engineer, especially at 3 in the morning. I’m not a swearing [gender withheld], but I get close. I get close.”
McShinsky reports that five of the seven years devoted to the development of the “grating guardian” were spent in identifying the most effective times and patterns of beeping to disrupt rational thought and render helpless those hapless owners of the device. "Interrupting REM sleep with single beeps every 47 seconds proved to be the most effective combination at destroying the human psyche. We were told that it would be used against our enemies, but it ended up in every American home, tormenting American families for generations!” Pausing to calm his breathing and wipe away a stray tear, he continued: “In the race against the Soviets, we were supposed to endow our life-saving creation with the darkest of destructive powers. Now I realize that we only succeeded in destroying ourselves.... whatever else happens, I'm content to finally be free of this burden,” Norm McShinsky said with a deep smile and a distant look.
With this startling revelation, experts predict mass hysteria, wide-spread destruction of smoke-detecting home safety devices, and rampant residential fires. Fire marshals around the nation were unavailable for comment as of press time.