INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In what can only be described as industry-wide misogyny, preservation of the glass ceiling, or rampant gender discrimination, the ratio of men to women in certain occupational fields remains as unbalanced as ever. Even in 2019, with our enlightened sensibilities, we can still discern the patriarchy's vast, unrelenting grip on the throat of the American working force. Occupational data supplied by the Bureau of Labor Statistics demonstrates clear under-representation of women in several career categories – with no sign of change in sight.
The majority of occupations showing this imbalance between the genders are manual-labor intensive, such as construction work, mining, and landscaping. "It would seem that very few women today are able to become club bouncers, bodyguards, and oil riggers, among other things," notes U.S. Commissioner of Labor Statistics, Randall Wienecke, 48. "Now, it's hard to say whether that is due to employment discrimination, difficulty in keeping the pace in such a physically-demanding environment, or simply a lack of desire by women to be in that industry," stated the misogynistic woman-hater. "If an individual is unable to perform the duties required by a job, such as physically restraining individuals from entering a building or moving thousands of pounds of rock in a day, it seems fairly obvious that they wouldn't be in that position long," opined the patriarchy's lapdog.
With the revelation that nearly a dozen occupations are virtually closed off to women, feminists across the nation are rallying to demand equal consideration. "I am appalled at the injustice that is taking place in America, just, like, because some people have, like, different body parts from other people," remarks Indianapolis resident Jessica Wheeler, 22. "I should have every right to work wherever a man could, and, like, I don't see why it isn't that way already," continued the self-proclaimed social media activist and feminist. "Put me in any one of those jobs and I'll show you just how much women can do!"
The Association of Lincoln Presenters (ALP), a group of Abraham Lincoln impersonators, reports several hundred members, yet women in the organization portray Mary Lincoln exclusively. The President of the ALP, Lionel McDuff, 62, indicated that membership in his organization is open to everyone, regardless of gender. "We are always happy when people want to remember and celebrate the legacy of Abraham and Mary Lincoln, though I can't say I've ever met a woman who wanted the part of Abraham," claims the dirty anti-feminist. "I don't have anything against it, but it just seems more convincing for a tall, bearded man to take that role. Otherwise, it's not a believable impersonation, and it just distracts people from the messages we share," hissed the cruel whisper of discrimination.
As of press time, nearly five million women nationwide have reportedly applied for, started, and left jobs in these male-heavy fields, opting instead to be elementary school educators, hair stylists, and business executives, among other things.
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