BISMARK, ND—Women recently came under a new barrage of criticism after ruining my very promising weekend plans.
Members of the loosely organized, but highly exclusive, group of women have been blasted for what appears to be a coordinated effort to make my weekend a case study in emasculating humiliation. Although multiple spokespersons for the women suggested that I am not worth the effort of such a careful conspiracy to slowly but surely call into question my value as a human being, the mounds of evidence make it difficult to conclude that the events of this woeful weekend were the result of anything less than a master plan to destroy any self confidence I had after my most recent breakup with another of their ranks.
Indeed, tensions between the women and me have been high since one of their mid-ranking members, Natalie White, 33, took it upon herself to openly doubt my skill or ability to make a decent living as a part time satirist, leading to a horrifying display of tears, mucus, and pleading from one of the people involved.
In what appears to be retribution for the rift it caused, the women now face suspicions of having coordinated to deliver dismissive looks, condescending tones, and outright rejections of my offerings of cheeseburgers and rides in my Honda CRV.
Despite assurances from the women that "there is no global syndicate whose sole purpose is to make a little man like [me] cry," the results speak for themselves. After no fewer than 4 attempts to strike up conversations with attractive and ostensibly single members of the group, I was tossed aside like a pair of dirty socks after a track meet.
If there is another explanation for why I was left with no choice but to sit in my car alone with a milkshake and my Netflix app until my phone battery died, I have yet to hear one.
Despite several attempts to reach the public relations officer for women, no one responded to the request—at least not with anything nice to say.
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