ROSKIlDE, DENMARK—A team of international researchers has recently concluded that literally everyone on the planet has a podcast except for you. The project, which began at the social sciences department at Roskilde University in Denmark, included multiple avenues of data collection, and can now definitively state that you are the last remaining individual on the planet who is physically capable of speaking into a microphone, but who does not actually have their own podcast.
The researchers included several thousands of demographics in their study, and found that literally every human capable of breathing under their own power, and who can produce the muscle movements necessary to produce speech—excepting you— regularly records, produces, and publishes episodes of their own podcast on topics as diverse as comedy, history, psychology, odd popsicle flavors, woodwork, knock-knock jokes, whittling, and many more.
The researchers put it this way: see that guy who just drove by? He has a podcast. The last person you spoke to? They have a podcast, too. The ATM machine you walk by on the way into work? Well, it doesn't have a podcast, but every single person who has used it in the last 24 hours has a podcast. Unless you used it, of course, in which case it would be "every person but you."
Indeed, researchers actually also found that 95% of persons who cannot speak under their own power also have podcasts in which they either use speech-producing software, or they hire an individual—who is also not you—to read from a typed out script for their podcast. Additionally, researchers counted no fewer than 25 million podcasts available that were exclusively produced by children aged 0 to 5 years. The researchers could not clearly account for podcasts produced by two or more children together, however, and could not also clearly account for children who have more than one podcast, so these findings must be interpreted with some caution. However, they agree that, apart from a couple of babbling 14-month-olds scattered all over the known universe, you are the only person capable of sharing your thoughts and interests with the world through sound recording, but who does not do so.
The researchers offered several possible explanations for why you don't start a podcast, including that you just don't actually have anything to say, you don't have any good ideas, or, the saddest possibility, that no one would listen to you. For these reasons, they stopped short of actually recommending that you start a podcast, as the risks of embarrassment and eye-rolling content may far outweigh any potential benefits.
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