BALTIMORE, MD—A decades-long longitudinal study by researchers at the University of Baltimore has put the final nail in the coffin of the dying video game industry.
Following years of overprotective parents' fears that time spent staring at screens, solving puzzles, playing roles, and forming strategies, would ultimately ruin children's creative capacities and mental abilities in general, these parents can now smugly feel vindicated by a 97-year-long study that tracked 124,210 young children from their birth. The first of its kind, this study carefully monitored each child's self-reported playing of video games each month for 97 years, and then tracked what careers they eventually settled into.
Not surprising to the helicopter parents was the staggering result that, of all 124,210 children who survived into adulthood and could be reliably tracked, only 6 of them went on to become Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court.
"Well, these results speak for themselves," commented Narta Traeger, 43, mother of 2. "I've said for years that video games and television do nothing but turn kids' brains into mush, and now we can see that I wasn't exaggerating."
Indeed, anxiety-driven parents all over the nation are glibly smirking this morning at the announcement that only 23 of the study's subjects were ever even on the Supreme Court, and only a handful more were ever nominated by a sitting U.S. president.
"That's it," said Darron White, 36, who allowed the occasional puzzle game on a tablet for his 3 daughters. "As soon as I get home, I'm going to smash that thing [an iPad mini] to little pieces. The internet should be ashamed of itself."
In response to these findings, the video game industry has also formally announced plans to phase itself out of existence over the next 3 months. After multiple controversies over the last few decades regarding their role in violent acts and turning otherwise perfectly healthy individuals into psychopaths, this latest evidence is simply undeniable. Most companies have pledged to donate all profits to the lives they've ruined, including in the form of scholarships focused on constitutional law studies.
Unfortunately, for many, this finding comes too late. Maryanne Shreaver, 71, laments the fact that her oldest son, who used to play video games after school, ended up a practicing hematologist. "I've always regretted letting him play that Atari at his friend's house back in '76," she shared. "He may have saved thousands of lives as a blood doctor, but I've always wondered how much farther he could have gone had he just read another Hardy Boys novel instead of holding onto that joystick."
Perhaps now, future generations will have higher hopes for their lives.
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