TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA—Home security companies have experienced major growth in recent years as consumers seek ways to convince themselves that they likely won't be murdered in their home by an unholy abomination. Such corporations as ADT and Vivint claim that their security devices are adequate in protecting their clients from the awful fate of having every drop of blood drained from their fragile veins. While these companies have seen incredible success in the heart of vampire territory due to their supposed efficacy in deterring the spread of the undead curse, a recent string of drainings in the city of Sibiu casts doubt on the reputability of modern security measures.
Sibiu's Chief of Police, Alexandru Zimbrean, 39, expressed his shock at the recent outbreak of vampire-related violence. "It is not at all uncommon in these parts for vampires to be a problem, which is why so many families invest in protective measures," noted Zimbrean through heavy garlic breath. "Almost everyone here has a garlic garden, some wooden stakes, and a few crucifixes, though as things have become more peaceful the younger generation has begun trusting doorbell cameras, glass-break detectors, automated locks, and motion sensors." Seven separate houses have been struck in the past two weeks, yet all seven were equipped with the most advanced security packages available from Vivint. The sale of crucifixes, scrap wood, and garlic starter plants has quadrupled in the time since the second attack.
The perimeter cameras at the Popescu residence, the site of the third attack, show no abnormal motion at 10:17 PM, the time when the unlocked front door was opened, admitting an estimated three blood-sucking demons. "The Popescus' system relied on a motion-detecting system that, when activated, would release a puff of an aerosol garlic spray and turn on lights in the shape of a cross," reports Vivint sales representative Chad Bingham, 23. "Their system passed all of our quality checks upon installation, but somehow didn't detect the vampires. What's weird is, they don't even show up in the recorded footage, even though you can clearly see the door opening and footprints in the grass."
In fact, no photographic image of an actual vampire has ever been recorded. "It is a well-documented peculiarity of the vampire species that their image does not reflect in mirrors, and I believe that this phenomenon may account for the shortcomings of modern security," claims prominent vampirologist Abraham Harker, 54. "They are mere shadows of the living beings that they once were, so the ephemeral marks they would normally leave don't have the same metaphorical weight and cannot remain." Zimbrean expressed concern that "the only reason that these creatures have not exploited this technological weakness earlier is either a) they didn't know about it themselves, b) they were stymied by the lingering effects of previous household garlic treatments, or 3) they have some grander scheme in mind."
The mayor of Sibiu, Vlad Drakul, age unknown, was unavailable for comment as of press time, considering the only openings in his schedule fall in the early morning well before dawn.
Comments