KANSAS CITY, IA—Sources close to the turkey you purchased for this coming Thanksgiving meal have revealed that she was just one day from retirement the day she was killed, you monster.
The turkey whose corpse is now lying on the bottom shelf of your refrigerator was recently know as Agnes, and was a beloved mentor and friend to countless other birds, according to persons who work at or near the turkey farm where she was recently slaughtered for the sole purpose of appeasing your blood-lust and gluttony. Farm records show that the same Agnes was just one day from retiring from her position as lead turkey, after which she planned to live out her days pecking at bugs in the grass, enjoying the warm sunshine, and strutting around the field. She reportedly toyed with the idea of writing memoirs about her life and all that she had seen, but it seems those will now be lost; the future robbed of her insights about grubs, wind, and turkey culture.
Agnes' friends were heartbroken after learning the news that her head had been removed from her body and her proud and beautiful feathers plucked out so that her remains could be slowly heated until it could satiate your craving for flesh. It was an especially potent time, as they were just sitting to put the final touches on Agnes' retirement party, planned for later that evening. Rita had just revealed the cake she'd baked, congratulating Agnes on a job well done, and Betsy had been working on a quilt that commemorates some of the milestones in Agnes' life, including the time she scared away a fox, the time that she saw her reflection in a shiny hubcap, and an incident where she tried to fly to the top of the barn on a dare.
Her friends hope that she tastes delicious on Thursday, and that you savor every last morsel, because that's what Agnes would have wanted. They are glad that she is at peace, and take comfort in the fact that she likely would have joked about just being glad to still be useful at her age.
תגובות