Thanks to the tireless and, ultimately fatal, efforts of Victor Butler (1973-2019), the Goodyear tire Company has finally agreed to include a "not for human consumption" label on all of their high treat models.
In March, Butler became obsessed with the fear that some poor, dimwitted child or moronic adult might mistake these delicious-looking tires for an enormous, rubbery doughnut, and so he spent 2 days picketing alone outside of the tire manufacturer's Akron, Ohio headquarters before the security guards asked him politely to go home. He almost refused, but was pretty thirsty by then, anyway, so he went home. But this hero did not give up on his vision of a world where no one ate tires.
Many sleepless nights, Butler tossed and turned, racking his brain over how to get people to listen. Butler knew that, even though no one had ever eaten a tire before, it was only a matter of time before some maniac did it. He had to get people to listen. They had to understand.
And so, that's why Butler sat in a public square in downtown Portland, Oregon with a 34-inch tire, a sharp knife, a fork, and lots and lots of barbecue sauce. It took him a full 20 hours to get through half of it, but that was enough to end his beautiful existence on this earth, fighting for the cause.
After some moderate local news coverage, Goodyear had no choice but to issue a statement that said, "Sure, I guess. Whatever," regarding the label. Though in life, he never knew whether he would succeed, now as a martyr, Victor Butler truly has made his mark on the world, in the form of a 2-inch, size 10 font imprinted label on 16 sizes of Goodyear tires for the foreseeable future.
The service will be held at the Sunnyside Funeral Home at 11:00 on Monday.
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