SAN DIEGO, CA—The free market has struck gold again as demand for smaller thumbs has reached an all-time high. As grown adults have an increasingly frustrating time typing the tiny buttons on their handheld devices' touchscreens, cosmetic surgeons have swooped in to offer much-needed operations that will decrease the size of the thumbs.
"An adult male may have a thumb ring size of 13 or more," said Dr. Dmitri Charleton, a cosmetic surgeon who is offering the operation. "These poor souls who wish to send a simple text message to their loved ones are doomed to smash their gargantuan opposable digits onto these tiny areas of their screens like a neanderthal, and consistently hit two or three letters simultaneously, leading to nonsensical messages. They often have to try typing their message 4 or 5 times before it is coherent."
These adults now have the option to have the tips of their thumbs reduced to about the size of their pinky fingers for the cost of about $499 per thumb at Dr. Charleton's clinic.
"This really is a no-brainer. The amount of time the average adult spends just correcting literally every word they type into their smartphone, in our estimation, is about 3 years by the age of 30. The benefits far outweigh the costs of this operation, and so we expect this procedure to really become mainstream quickly."
The entire operation takes about 30 minutes, and involves removal of some of the muscle and bone tissue in either thumb tip. The healing process takes about 3 weeks until the thumbs can be comfortably used again, and doctors recommend that patients arrange a ride home from the clinic. They also offer to do the thumbs separately for patients who may need to use one of their hands during the healing period.
"Just this morning, I was trying to troll a Twitter user about a comment they made, and it took me a full 2 minutes to remove all of the extra letters I didn't mean to type, and undo all of the auto-corrects that changed the entire meaning of my reply. I definitely see the need here, and I'm seriously considering getting the procedure done myself," said Charleton.
The clinic offers a version of the operation that removes only parts of the tips of the thumbs, and another version that reduces the thumb size entirely for a less aesthetically horrifying appearance. In the future, they may experiment with a transplant operation which would switch the pinky fingers with the thumbs, but they first will test the market performance of size reduction.
"Smartphones are here to stay," concluded Charleton. "It's time that humans adapted to our new overlords, and paid the proper tribute with a small flesh sacrifice. Unless someone can come up with a better way to enter in a caption for the photo of what you had for brunch, these are our options."
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