UNDISCLOSED—Deep within his hidden lair, the world supervillain known only as Doctor Scarr has worked for the past 43 years on a diabolical scheme to take over the world, but lately he's having second thoughts.
In an exclusive interview with The Colon, Dr. Scarr told us about his struggle. "Ever since I can remember," he said, "I've just wanted to be in charge of everything. I wanted my face on the world's currency, I wanted to have all of the jewels and money and weapons at my disposal, and I wanted to have all of the power." In fact, Dr. Scarr has spent every waking moment since at least junior high school trying to make his vision a reality. He's tried his hand at military overthrows, economic catastrophe, chemical warfare, and raising Netflix subscription prices, but he's found that they never quite work like he wants. After all of that time, he is beginning to wonder if world domination is really what he wants after all.
"I don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older," he shared, as he stood over a large laser gun of sorts, making adjustments. "World domination sounds like a lot of work, the more I think about it. I mean, you probably have to get up at 6 each morning, and then you're in meetings all day. Ruling the universe doesn't sound all that great anymore."
Dr. Scarr has been rethinking his priorities for some time now, shifting in his aims. "I guess it all started when my brother, Kyle, got married. I mean, I got the invitation in the mail and I just thought, 'woah. I didn't even know he was dating anyone.' It really got me thinking about what's important."
Although Dr. Scarr did not attend the wedding, he sent a very nice blender, which the couple has used 6 times in the last 4 years, according to Kyle Scarr, 41.
As a supervillain, Scarr often finds himself alone or surrounded by his bumbling idiot henchmen who, due to poor attachment in infancy and childhood, serve him loyally if superficially. Dr. Scarr often finds that he'd rather have a good friend with whom he could share his thoughts, rather than just posting them on social media to get trolled. "I once came up with a pretty good smoothie recipe. I told my henchmen, but they just did what they always do: 'You're the best, boss,' and 'You want me to poison someone with it?' Ugh. So I posted it online, but everyone there is so mean."
Dr. Scarr is currently planning to complete his large laser contraption, but before using it to blast the moon into tiny pebbles, he's going to "take a long hard look at himself" while relaxing on a beach somewhere. "Retirement actually sounds kind of nice," he said.
Comments