MILKY WAY—The star at the center of earth's solar system has officially petitioned for a short vacation from its billions-of-years-long labor of fusing hydrogen into helium.
The celestial body without which life would not be possible on our planet filed form H1-57QL3 to the governing body of the Milky Way galaxy on what earth called October 12th, 2019. The form formally petitions for the sun to be granted up to 12 million years vacation time, during which it would presumably cease its intense process of fusion and even be free to travel among galaxies, possibly visiting the place of its origin or visiting relatives.
Petitions of this nature are rarely granted, due in large part to the catastrophic consequences that the sun's absence or even lack of activity for even a few short moments would have on the entire solar system and earth specifically. Namely, with even just a few minutes of inactivity in the sun's burning, virtually all life on earth would be annihilated with little to no warning. The surface of the planet would freeze over as heat quickly escaped its atmosphere, thus causing death tolls in the trillions, all life forms included.
Although the sun's contract includes clear language that it is to continue burning uninterrupted until becoming a red giant, which is expected in another 5 billion years, the sun is permitted to petition on its own behalf for mental health reasons. This has caused some stir among the earth's inhabitants.
"I thought the sun was happy," said Melinda Hicks, 51. "In cartoons and drawings, it's always got a big smile on its face."
Some seem to think that we've taken the sun for granted for too long. "You know what I think it is," conjectured William Martinez, 28, "I think it's because we aren't sacrificing animals to it any more. We need to show it that we appreciate it. We need to appease it with blood."
Others agree that the sun is deserving of a break. "I get two weeks of vacation every year," argued Sarah Brown. "I also get to go home to my dog every night. Why shouldn't the sun get to take a nice bath, put on some Celine Dion, and eat a whole plate of brownies every now and then?"
The committee that will review the sun's petition officially has until the year 2219 to review the request, assuming that it was filled out correctly, so it is not likely that we will have any updates for the foreseeable future.
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