Ladies, I have no time to waste, so I'll get straight to the point: in the next 5 hours, I am going to be entering into the Witness Protection program. I gave the authorities information that is going to lead to the uncovering of an enormous drug ring (but don't say anything, okay?). Because this move has endangered my life considerably, these nice officers are going to uproot me and give me an entirely new life in another state.
Anyway, I know this is sudden, but if you could use a fresh start, too, then now is the time. I'm sure the officers could get you a new identity and everything, too, and showing up in the new town with a fiance would sure help my cover, so let's do this! I cannot overstate how urgent this is, though. Like, I literally just paused to do this before I pack a few necessities in my suitcase. You know, you really should be flattered, because I haven't even told my mom any of this yet - won't she be surprised when she finds out not only that I've been erased off of the planet, but that I have a girlfriend!
So call, text, or just come on over, and let's disappear together!
Comments