LARAMIE, WY—When Wilford the bush first started out life in a nursery, it was full of life and excitement. "Everything was amazing," he shared with The Colon. "I'd bask in the warm sunlight during the day, soak up water and sweet sweet nutrients whenever I was in the mood, and I'd absorb carbon dioxide while emitting some oxygen. It was everything I could ever hope for."
However, once it was grown enough, it became time for Wilford to be transplanted to a good home. "I'll admit, I was nervous. But I was so excited, too. I was finally going to meet my destiny. It was the start of my new life." It was planted near the entrance of a 3-storey business building on a warm Tuesday, and is likely to stay there for the foreseeable future.
"Well, for the first couple of years, it was pretty good. I got to see the sunrise every morning, and it was entertaining to see where the employees would park their cars every morning. I liked to play a game where I would try to predict the order in which everyone would leave the building. I got pretty good at it after a while."
Somewhere along the line, however, Wilford came to a realization that he had reached the full measure of his potential, and that things simply were not ever going to change for it. "I don't know when it came to me," it explained. "Maybe it was that long weekend over Christmas in 2016. I just couldn't stop obsessing over where Tom from finance was, or whether Kristie from management had cut her bangs yet. Then I slowly began to realize and accept that not one of them had ever looked at me since I was planted here. I mean, sure, they'd noticed me, but they'd never really seen me, you know what I mean? And I thought, 'is this it?' you know? 'Is this my whole existence?'"
Although Wilford's neighboring plants assure it that it will eventually come to appreciate the role it plays in the immediate ecosystem, Wilford is not so sure. "I had dreams, man. I was going to be the first plant on the moon. I was going to catch the winning touchdown at the first plant Superbowl. Now, I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm just an easily replaceable cog in the overall ambiance of this building, and I'll never be anything more."
When reached for comment, the groundskeeper, Jerrod Kyle, 41, said, "Yeah, Wilford's having a hard time lately. I'll give the guy a little extra fertilizer and a hedge in another couple of weeks. That ought to cheer it up a bit."
As of press time, Wilford reported that it is considering making a break for it some night and hitching a ride to California.
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