PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—The world stands aghast at the revelation from multiple sources that the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, has used a toilet. This shocking news comes in direct conflict with the leader's official biography, which states that his body is so well calibrated that he produces no waste. Citizens of the globe are now reeling after these accusations broadsided humanity, causing many to wonder if Kim is all he claims to be.
"Don't get me wrong," said Australian citizen Michael Smith, 28. "I'm not saying he's not the perfect specimen of a human being, but now that I know he has used a toilet at least once, I'm starting to wonder if some of the other things they say about him are true. Like, does that mean that he can't actually control the weather with his mood?"
Others seem resistant to believe the accusations, as Spanish citizen Belen Garcia, 32, explained, "Why would the Brilliant Comrade of North Korea lie to his own people? This is just a smear campaign. Next they'll be saying that North Koreans aren't the cleanest race, or that Kim couldn't drive a car at age 3. Come on, you can't make that stuff up."
Still, amid the other outlandish claims of the mysterious country and its nearly deified leader, the world is having a difficult time maintaining its mental image of a perfect human male leading his people toward prosperity through infinite wisdom and nobility.
"This just comes at the worst time," said international political pundit Jason Mercer, 36. "With the rest of the political climate in the world—Brexit, and the American presidential election—I'm not sure the world can handle another scandal like this. People need to see their politicians as superhuman beings, incapable of flaw or blemish. You might expect this kind of thing from [Canadian Prime Minister] Trudeau or something, but just, not Kim. Not Kim Jong-un."
As of press time, Kim had eased world tensions by explaining that his accusers who stated they witnessed him use a toilet had seen the errors of their ways, begged for his forgiveness, and then taken their own lives by jumping in front of a firing squad.
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