NORTH POLE—Father Christmas sat down with The Colon staff to discuss some of the ways he keeps his spirits up during the stressful holiday season, and it turns out that the symbol of giving has quite the sense of humor.
At his top secret workshop in the North Pole of planet earth, Old Saint Nicholas shared that, with the constant demands of millions of children who pay him no mind until around November each year, and then insist that he give them their every desire for nothing other than being decent human beings to each other, his work can be mind numbing.
"I can't tell you how many times I've thought of just shutting this whole thing down," he said through his crumb-covered beard with breath that smelled of sour milk. "Every year I think it's going to be my last."
Kris Kringle said that there are some ways that he has developed to keep his jollity up, and one is his sense of humor.
"For example," started the timeless figure, "Sometimes when I've just finished delivering a whole bunch of gifts to a neighborhood, and they expect to hear me fly away in my sled and shout 'Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!' and the whole thing, I like to toss out an especially loud 'Allahu Akbar,' just to mess with everyone's head."
The phrase means "God is most great," and is used by Muslims throughout the world in prayer. However, the phrase has also been associated with suicide bombers and Islamic terrorism, as the terrorists often shout it before carrying out their attacks.
"It just cracks me up, imagining the racist little [expletive]s squirm," continued Mr. Claus.
Santa is generally associated with Christianity, as Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, and so it appears that associating himself with the Muslim faith through use of such a phrase is humorous to him.
"I bet you those kids open their presents a little more carefully! Ho ho ho!" he added.
Whether his use of the phrase is culturally insensitive, Santa seems intent on continuing such pranks. "At my age, you just sort of stop giving a [expletive], son. It makes me laugh, and isn't that what all you pipsqueaks like me for?"
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