WASHINGTON, DC—Sources in the nation’s capital have reported that Nancy Pelosi, who has been serving as the Speaker of the House of Representatives, has been camping just outside the entrance to the chamber of the Senate, waiting anxiously to move forward with President Donald Trump’s impeachment process after delays in outlining the charges for the Senate. Peers and other bystanders have been worrying about Madame Speaker Pelosi as she does not appear to have bathed conventionally or slept since the House voted to impeach the president.
“Nancy and I are close. We’re tight as a drum,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told reporters. “But her appearance has become disheveled and her behavior erratic. I don’t think she’s eaten anything since the formal impeachment process was announced back in September. Heck, she’s even been carrying around a bag of peaches for months, saying bizarre and ominous things like, ‘I’ll impeach him one way or another,’ and ‘Oh, how peachy it will be.’”
Others of Pelosi’s former inner circle have commented that they don’t know how things will turn out but they feel safer—politically and physically—by distancing themselves from the Speaker of the House for the time being. As a result, she has been seen to stroke the bag of rotting peaches while alternating between mumbling and screaming, “Trump has his allies in Ukraine, Russia, and North Korea. I have all the friends that I need right here!”
While it is still unclear how the impeachment trial will play out in the Republican-controlled Senate, other lawmakers worry about how to handle the spiraling Speaker of the House or whether they should involve themselves at all. Many congressmen and congresswomen shudder to think what will happen to Pelosi and others should the Senate fail to meet the two-thirds majority needed.
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