IDAHO FALLS, ID—Attempting to carry on a long tradition of poisoning or otherwise spoiling Halloween candy for unsuspecting trick-or-treaters, a local man seems to be "building up" to truly evil methods.
Gary Hardy, 32, has always had a dark side to him. He is known to frequently leave shopping carts in parking spots, even when the corral is nearby. He once had an extra penny at a convenience store, but declined to put it in the "take a penny, leave a penny" cup. It appears that he's been embracing his darker nature, as he's begun preparations for Halloween this year.
The idea struck him as he was shopping for Halloween candy over the weekend. As he scoured the candy displays for the various options, he noticed that some of the options were advertised as "gluten free," and he realized his true purpose for this season. He quickly bought up several bags of the gluten-less candies, along with a bag of wheat flour, and then he got to work in the dark crevices of his kitchen.
Gary began methodically tainting each piece of candy with visually undetectable traces of wheat flour, a rich source of the natural protein, gluten. He wore a smirk on his face the entire time, imagining the little children's horror as they anxiously bit into the chocolates and gummies, never suspecting that they were in fact ingesting small amounts of gluten which, if the children have the rare autoimmune disorder, Celiac disease, may cause an upset stomach or other mild symptoms.
"Bwah ha ha ha!" added Gary, at the thought of young children feeling slightly nauseated after eating the corrupted candy, in the rare cases that they have the genetic markers for the disease. He reveled in the thought that they would never suspect him, and never know for sure where their tummy aches came from.
Several of Gary's neighbors were reached for comment on their plans for the upcoming holiday, and most said they planned to skip trick-or-treating entirely, or that they were likely to bypass Gary's house anyway. "I've never felt really comfortable with him in the neighborhood," said one mother, on the condition of anonymity. "He sometimes doesn't take his trash cans back up the driveway after they've been emptied. What kind of weirdo does that?"
As of press time, Gary had eaten all of the tainted candy himself, citing a complete lack of self-discipline and commitment to his impolite plan.
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