ALBUQUERQUE, NM-In an embarrassing and ill-informed, career-ending move, two archaeologists recently submitted a manuscript detailing an alleged find of "cultural and social significance regarding the Neanderthal."
The paper, entitled "Evidence of Sentiment and Evaluative Behavior in the Neanderthal," describes a finding of what can only be summarized as a pile of small rocks in the lead author's front yard. The authors, however, treat them as evidence that the Neanderthals were more sophisticated than previously believed in that they must have "cherished these small rocks after finding them aesthetically pleasing in some regard," even though they are clearly just a small stupid pile of everyday rocks, and could belong to literally anyone or no one.
"We imagine some small Neanderthal child," stated the manuscript, "following closely behind its parent as they sought out food or shelter, stopping every few feet to pick up a small rock that caught its eye. That collection quickly became too burdensome after it could no longer hold them, and so it forced a parent to carry them the rest of the way, inhibiting their ability to carry more useful items, such as food or tools."
Although the rocks were found nowhere near any humanoid remains, the paper works hard to make the case that these rocks were, in fact, a treasured collection that some bored little cave child, possibly with a Neanderthal version of obsessive compulsive disorder, categorized and pored over when it was supposed to be doing its homework.
As for the implications of this find, the authors argue that this may mean that people will fall for any half-brained nonsense they read, and have plans to examine whether dinosaurs may also have collected rocks.
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