BLOOMINGTON, MN—The United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced this week they have officially added "responsible adults" to the endangered species list. Responsible adults' addition to the list comes as an especially stinging blow to the organization, as they had so recently celebrated the removal of the Kirtland's Warbler from the list after it made substantial recovery.
The announcement read, "Responsible adults have been slowly but steadily disappearing from the United States, and many of their other natural habitats around the globe. Their diminishing numbers appear to be due, in part to human activity: specifically, coddling of the species appears to have led to increased sensitivity to anything that could be considered adversity, whether real or imagined, so that now the species cannot keep up with the perfectly normal struggles of life. Many tend to flip out when things don't go their way, and throw tantrums when they hear something they don't like. No species can survive under such fragility."
The USFWS estimates that, whereas there were at one time as many as 135 million responsible adults in the United States as of just a few decades ago, those numbers may soon be below 2 million. The rapid decrease over the short time period is one of the criteria which qualify a species for inclusion on the list, but the agency is especially concerned about this pattern, given the role of responsible adults in their ecosystem.
"For centuries, responsible adults have played a vital role in the balance of world order. We owe virtually all of our technological and medical advancements to adults who, despite obstacles, could keep their tempers in check, fulfilled their obligations, knew how to communicate with people they didn't like or agree with, and show up to meetings on time. Indeed, many global crises have been averted by responsible adults who, when times got difficult, were able to buckle down and have tough conversations, make choices before it was too late, and accept full responsibility for their actions. These days, it is more common for adults to shun responsibility by putting ownership of their own futures on other people, institutions, or vague social structures."
Indeed, in a massive survey of the United States, the USFWS found that almost none of the political leaders met criteria for a responsible adult, as evidenced by the inability to talk through differences and avoid throwing fits as the juveniles of the species do. Indeed, most of the responsible adults still in existence have even taken to hiding to avoid the mobs of cannibals who will eat anyone who says what they think anymore.
"This situation could not be more dire for responsible adults," concludes the report. "If things continue on their current course, we may lose responsible adults from the planet forever, and no one can really predict the effect that will have."
Public reaction to the news has been largely negative. Cindy Bauer, 28, of West Virginia, commented, "What are you saying? Are you calling me irresponsible? How dare you? You don't know the hardships I go through! Just last week the guy at Starbucks put too much creamer in my coffee, and I had to make a whole scene before they'd give me a new one with my money back."
Ned Richards, 30, of Oregon, stated that, "Excuse me, are you trying to tell me bad news? That's it! I need to find a safe space, pronto!"
The USFWS has stated that it is monitoring the situation carefully, and encourages the public that, if they come across a responsible adult, they should just let them do their work, as that is how they are most likely to thrive.
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